#i swear i will make one myself; that day will come! planets will align! and i'll be satisfied with it *sighs*

[zhivchik]

Mmm, I'm not sure it's a thing to be done, but I'm asking (begging, hoping, craving) for edits/gifs/art in black&white this week. Simple screencaps? God yes. Not necessary as shippy, but in black and white. I'll take it.

[grahstumhurts]

The stars aligned for us

Synopsis- Y/n had always had a crush on Sophia. this being Y/n's senior year, she had to make it count. Sophia, a untouchable goddess, in Y/ns eyes. Will it happen?

A/N - YES I KNOW ITS A CHEESY TITLE AND FIC, ITS MY FIRST TIME WRITING FOR TUMBLR OKAY. SUE ME IF I WANTED SOME CHEESY ROMANTIC SOPHIA CONTENT. This was not proof read so yeah

 Lara always complains about how I stare at her in the halls when she passes by with her flock. “Dude, its honestly sad how much time you spend a day staring at her and or thinking about her, when in all brutal truth, she probably doesn't give you a single thought.” Lara sighs, rubbing her forehead in frustration as she watches me get out my books for my AP biology class. “Its not that bad, okay. Trust me i've been worse.” I try defending myself, “Listen, Y/N At this point you might as well confess since it's almost the end of the year. Whats the worst that could happen? You get embarrassed, yes, But you won't ever see her again until the highschool reunion.” Lara tries to convince me for the Nth time this year. Senior year was supposed to be the year where I let loose. By the time senior spring had come and college applications were through, there had been one thing I had yet to do. I’ve known her for years. I mean everyone knows her at our school. She's everyone's dream girl, Untouchable you could say. Sophia Laforteza. I sigh, almost giving in this time, “No, I won't do it. Like i've said multiple times, she's an untouchable painting that, Good lord, I want to touch so bad” I close my locker, leaning against it, facing towards Lara. She gives me an unimpressed look. “You have AP Bio with her next right? So why not ask her to study sometime? I mean you are basically failing that class,girl.” I pause, I consider it, My brain algorithm approves. The bell rings for the next period. “why are you actually kinda smart, Lara.” I walk past her “Hey, woah what do you mean kinda, I legit just gave you the best idea ever” she yells at my passing figure as i jog off to mr bennetts classroom. “For the sake of my mental health I pray to Beyonce that this works.” Lara mumbles under her breath as she walks off to her class. 

Now you would think that the universe would be on my side. And you would be right. The stars have aligned as Lara would say, God forbid that girl ever not talk about stars and astrology the moment the conversation dies down. “Alright class, today i'm announcing your semester-long project for this class. This project will be starting today and will be ending by the end of the semester, so right around April we will present. Now this is a partner project” The class groans in disbelief, “Settle down. Now, I will be picking the partners-” The class erupts in boisterous anger at Mr bennett. “Calm down, Jesus, I'm retiring after this year. This project is going to be about whatever you want it to be. as long as it relates to biology.” He opens his laptop. “Now the partners will be…” he pauses reading the screen “Chloe and Marquise, Nickolas and Wendy, Y/N and Sophia” I note down these partnerships in my head just for reference, Wait. Are you fucking kidding me, its me and sophia? Now in hindsight you would think that maybe this is a class prank on me. I swear to fucking god i was about ready to explode, yean no not that kind of explode, the one where im the most anxious person on the god damn planet that we call fucking earth. Out of the 24 students in this class, other than me, there is a one in fucking 24 chance that i would be placed with her. Which i find is fucking ridiculous. “And thats it for partners, now if you could start planning your projects that would be great” Everyone shuffles around the room, trying to find their partner. I scramble to pick up my things when I drop my pencil case. I notice a manicured hand pick it up, i connect the hand to the arm, the arm to the body. Like the gorgeous goddess she is, she hands me my pencil case, Stupid fucking fish pencil case. “I like your pencil case, its pretty creative and unique” She comments, placing the fish on the table “thanks, my grandma got it for me so i've just been using it ever since.” I laugh uncomfortably. “What do you wanna do the project on?” I meekly ask her, I avoid all eye contact possible. She ponders for a moment, “I've always been kinda interested in how the weather contributes to moods, would that be something your okay with doing?”  “imokaywithdoingwhateveryouwant” I spit out, at possibly the pace of a marathon runner. She laughs to herself at my reaction “you're cute.” She mumbles. “Are you free this week to start the project or…” She drags off the end of the word to insinuate for me to answer, “i'm good for this week, maybe tomorrow? After school” “We can go over to your house? My siblings can be quite loud so i dont think that’ll be the best “study spot”” She physically puts those two words in quotations. Which wakes me up to the reality that i will be spending the rest of the semester with her, creating a project. “Sure, Im down.” I say a little too excited, I clear my throat. “Cool, cant wait” she says casually as she walks off to her desk to pack up. 

The first week went surprisingly well. I actually kept my cool and had a normal conversation with her. As the weeks grow, my feelings never really cut off for her. Instead, like a tumour, it grows. And so does my guilt. The project builds up a good amount of research, by the time its almost the end of the semester, March to be exact. The guilt, it flourishes inside me like a mouldy banana in the bottom of your bag. For all I know she could be straight. 

I hear the doorbell ring, I know its her. My mom answers the door, as per usual. lets her in, then she comes up the stairs and up to my room where the door is already open for her to come in. “Hey” she greets me “almost the end huh? I bought some snacks on the way here, I remember last week you mentioned sour skittles to me so I figured I could try them with you.” “you remembered?” “Yeah, why wouldn't i? We are friends right? I mean with all the time we have spent on this project, i assumed we are friends” she looks confused, almost hurt? “Are we not friends” “we are, yeah” I flusteredly responded, panicking at the seemingly wounded look. She cracks a smile “i'm just messing with you,” she knocks my shoulder against hers as she sits down on my bed. “I think there's a storm coming soon actually” she says opening the shopping bag with the seemingly endless amount of snacks in it. “Kinda ironic don't you think?” I say to her, We get to work for the next couple of hours, sprinkling in some goofy moments between the two of us. She ends up having to stay over, The storm inhibiting her ability to go home. I look out the window, the rain looks as if it will never end. “You ever danced in the rain?” She sits next to me, resting her head on my shoulder, observing the perspiration. “I did it once with an ex boyfriend of mine,” she adds to her previous comment. For some reason that last bit stung a little, like a scratch from a cat. “You had a boyfriend?” I ask genuinely curious. “I ended things with him since I figured out that i liked girls” “oh, i didnt know you liked girls.” I looked at her, Her hazel eyes looking back. “Do you like girls?” she questioned me. “Yeah, always have” I answered meekly. An idea came to me when she looked back out the window, I stood up. “Lets go out into the rain” I drag her closely behind me as we walk out the front door to my house, running out into the wet sky. I laugh at her standing confused in the doorway. “Dude come on” I actively try to convince her “you were the one that started talking about dancing in the rain” I open my mouth and let the almost salty droplets hit my tongue. “Eugh, dude, dont you know how disgusting rain water is” She runs out into the rain, fully embracing the uncomfortable wetness covering her body. I curtsy to her “Mi’ Lady would you care for a dance?” I say in a faux british accent. She giggles “Of course Mi’ Lady, a dance would be appreciated.” I bring her in, her waist in one hand and her own hand in the other. “Is this okay?” I yell over the sound of the water droplets hitting the ground. She nods, resting her head on my shoulder as we sway in the middle of the driveway. She looks up at me, searching my face for something. Looking down at my lips, then my eyes, then back at my lips again. “What?” I asked her “do i have something on my face?” She cups my cheeks, her warm thumb stroking my cheekbones. Before I can say another thing, she leans in, and kisses me. The Ivy that is guilt covering my heart slowly withers away, her hands leave my cheeks and caress the hair on the back of my neck. I pull her in closer, wrapping my arms around her body. A lightning crack makes us pull apart. “You seriously dont know how long ive been dreaming of this happening” I tuck my face into her soaking collar, she kisses my forehead. “How long?” she giggles, “1st grade, When i first moved here. And it trailed all the way here.” “damn i wasn't expecting that.” I blush. “Do you wanna be my girlfriend?” I call out over the rain. “Of course dumbass” She leans back in, coating my whole body in a warm honey feeling, The stars aligned for us to be.

[ad-caelestia]

i've spent a lot of time saying "here's what you could do" as a witch versus "here is what i actually do" as a witch, so let's go.

as much as i try to stir my coffee in one direction or another, it always ends up counter-clockwise - instead of seeing it as a mistake, i just work around it by thinking of it like, i'm banishing (counter-clockwise) negativity from my day versus attracting (clockwise) positivity.

i tend to use colors that align with planets versus other folkloric associations - instead of a green candle for money, i'll use a blue one because blue is associated with jupiter which is associated with wealth and good fortune. lucky for me, all the other planets have colors that align appropriately so i don't have to think about those as much (sun - gold, moon - silver, mercury - ehhhhh a mix of like, yellow/violet/indigo, venus - baby pink/mint, mars - red/rust, etc etc.).

i have a money bowl that i redo on the first of every month and i set a cinnamon stick above my front door for prosperity - i have a tiny little angel of a bunny whose health means more to me than the ritualistic act of blowing cinnamon into your home from outside the front door.

my "grimoire" or book of shadows or WHATEVER you wanna call it lives on my computer via onenote and is also scattered through many many notebooks i have collected over the years - if i'm being honest, i am way too picky about my handwriting and messing things up when i am writing in pen that i would just rather keep it somewhere i can type and alt+f to get where i need to go.

my main altar lives on a pretty gold and faux marble bookshelf but honestly, my whole house is my altar - there are sacred spaces at every corner if you know what to look for.

if i want something for my craft, i try to repurpose old things or thrift for them - you'd be amazed what you can do with some of the most basic things (i found my money bowl, which is a crystal dish, at the thrift store for 99 cents); the dollar 25 tree is also a good spot to shop for cheap trinkets.

much of my craft is muscle memory, which has come from YEARS of practice - if i'm cooking and need to use like, basil for example (luck, money, protection), i just kind of already know what it's "good for" and keep that in the front of my mind while i'm cooking so the intent doesn't get buried.

i really REALLY prefer to make my own stuff but that's not always feasible - i really thought the other day that i could just start making candles for myself and had to put that thought on HOLD because let's be real, i'm not doing all that. instead, i will continue to use all the chime candles i have collected over the years instead of immediately going out to find something new.

cleansing ritual who? every time i mop my floor or clean the baseboards or wipe down the counter, i'm cleansing my space. i very much believe that mundane cleaning can be equally as magical and therapeutic if the intent is there.

same thing with literally any other magical thing i do these days: i won't go digging for new items to serve me and my spellwork, i will just use what i already have.

doing spells when the opportunity presents itself versus days of planning - i got a new body wash the other day whose main ingredient and scent is rose so i figured i could use it for a glamour at some point; needed some cinnamon the other day for pancakes and stashed some away for use as a catalyst later on; stuck a bay leaf in my pasta sauce while cooking and made a little wish beforehand.

tethers. everywhere. this one's a bit personal for me but generally speaking, i like to tie energy to a physical object and store it for later use.

i have never buried anything in my yard for any reason - i usually just stick it in a box if the spell isn't finished, cleanse and reuse, or discard all together after thanking it for its assistance.

i swear i have a mean tarot deck and a nice one so i tend to be biased and choose accordingly. 🙃

i also have two pendulums i don't use and a set of blue goldstone runes that i have had for 8 years but don't touch anymore. let that be a gentle reminder that you don't have to do all the things, i promise.

anyway, those are some things about my craft ok bye

[use-your-imagination98]

GH Couples Inspired By Taylor Swift Songs

Had this in my drafts for FOREVER. thought it was a good time to post it haha. 

Alan and Monica: The Last Great American Dynasty

And they said

"There goes the last great American dynasty"

"Who knows if she never showed up, what could've been"

Luke and Laura: My Tears Ricochet

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

Luke and Tracy: Better Man

I know

I’m probably better off all alone

Than needing a man who could

Change his mind at any given minute

Laura and Scotty: New Year’s Day

Please don't ever become a stranger

Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Laura and Kevin: Lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Kevin and Lucy: Delicate

This ain't for the best

My reputation's never been worse, so

You must like me for me

Frisco and Felicia: Closure

Yes, I'm doing better

I know that it's over, I don't need your

Closure

Mac and Felicia: Ours

And life makes love look hard

The stakes are high, the water's rough

But this love is ours

Robert and Anna:  It's Nice to Have a Friend

Call my bluff, call you "babe"

Have my back, yeah, everyday

Anna and Valentin: Sparks Fly

My mind forgets to remind me, your a bad idea

You touch me once and it's really something

You find I'm even better than you, imagined I would be

Sonny and Brenda: The 1

But we were something, don't you think so?

Roaring 20s, tossing pennies in the pool

And if my wishes came true

It would've been you

Sonny and Carly: Haunted

​​You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

Sonny and Alexis: Blank Space

So hey, let's be friends

I'm dying to see how this one ends

Stone and Robin: Sad Beautiful Tragic

We had a beautiful magic love there

What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

Robin and Patrick: This Love

This love is good

This love is bad

This love is alive back from the dead

Lucky and Elizabeth: Tolerate It

While you were out building other worlds, where was I?

Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire?

I made you my temple, my mural, my sky

Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life

Nikolas and Emily: Happiness

There'll be happiness after you

But there was happiness because of you

Nikolas and Elizabeth: Dress

Our secret moments in your crowded room

They've got no idea about me and you

Ned and Alexis: Stay Stay Stay

You took the time to memorize me

My fears, my hopes and dreams

I just like hanging out with you

All the time

Alexis and Julian: Death By A Thousand Cuts

I get drunk but it's not enough

'Cause you're not my baby

I look through the windows of this love

Even though we boarded them up

LuLu and Dante: Wildest Dreams

Someday when you leave me

I bet these memories

Follow you around

Sam and Jason: It’s Time To Go

15 years, 15 million tears

Begging 'til my knees bled

I gave it my all, he gave me nothing at all

Then wondered why I left

Sam and Dante: Cardigan

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan

Under someone's bed

You put me on and said I was your favorite

Chase and Brook Lynn: Mastermind

Once upon a time, the planets and the fates

And all the stars aligned

You and I ended up in the same room

At the same time

Spencer and Trina: Invisible String

And isn't it just so pretty to think

All along there was some

Invisible string

Tying you to me?

Cameron and Jossyln: Karma

Addicted to betrayal, but you're relevant

You're terrified to look down

'Cause if you dare, you'll see the glare

Of everyone you burned just to get there

Elizabeth and Franco: Red

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes

Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go

Maxie and Nathan: Enchanted

My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again

These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon

[hcneygemini]

𝖝. 𝖆. 𝖓. 𝖆. — the sex was good until it wasn't sentence starters.

A collection of sentence starters from the album The Sex Was Good Until It Wasn't. Not including songs previously released as singles ( they are on this meme ) I also have chosen not to include 15, Lavender Daughter, or BODY due to the heavy and deeply personal subject matter. Please do not add to or claim this meme as your own. Feel free to change pronouns, slightly rephrase, combine, or shorten as needed. Some lyrics have been changed to better fit rp purposes. tw: toxic relationships, brief suicidal ideation, religious stuff ( mostly blasphemous lmao ), some violence mentions, & implied cheating.

LIP SERVICE

you can't hurt me any more than you have already.

it's taken everything in me not to be petty.

what once was easy is now feeling pretty heavy.

waiting is romance until [ they ] are never ready.

i get next to you and i still get nervous.

my stomach dropped when you said "i don't deserve this."

i don't deserve this.

"it's just not like you," is what i tell myself, but how could i know that?

i guess it's true love 'cause you always come right back.

a liability is what you lack.

i don't wanna know that.

you talk of timing, like our planets just aren't aligning.

you talk of timing, as if we don't have any say in deciding.

you talk of timing, as if my tongue is the only one i'm biting.

you talk of timing, as if i don't have all your confessions down in writing.

yeah, it's the timing.

i can't let you lie to me.

i don't know who you're trying to be.

i didn't wanna up and leave.

i knew you wouldn't stay with me.

i think about you all the time.

we thought it would, but it never died.

my guilt is who i sleep beside.

i wonder if you're warm tonight.

we tried to control all the damage.

you couldn't let go.

i couldn't handle all the doubt in my mind.

all that's left is the hurt where you're hollow.

i wish you'd have saved yourself, 'cause i now i gotta save me.

now i gotta save me.

is there a world where we can make this better?

will i question your intentions forever?

[ Phoebe ] said that it's for the better.

i do what i can to make it last.

i'm scared of how i feel when you talk like that.

can we talk like that?

can we talk?

i would do it all again.

maybe we can try whenever you are able.

i'm not waiting, i'm just sitting at the table.

THE SEX WAS GOOD !

we're star-crossed lovers, but i wanna puke whenever you say it.

you're a little older now.

that's just the hard truth.

you're rocking with the big boys.

you scream your lungs dry.

i'm a sucker for white noise.

where am i tonight?

i guess you'll never know.

you probably won't sleep right.

now i can't think of you, it ruins my whole mood.

i only painted you red out of kindness.

you blame it on your childhood.

i should have left, but how could i?

i guess the sex was good until it wasn't.

i bet it cuts right to the bone.

you wanted a wife and a kid and a life you could control.

i've got unsaved numbers in my phone.

i've got a god-awful tendency to love being alone.

break all my shit!

incite a riot!

go play the victim, babe, i hope they buy it.

dry your alligator tears.

you can't leave 'em here.

you wanted love songs—beggars can't be choosers, dear.

i'm stone cold.

it's fucking tragic.

i never loved you.

i find myself looking back a bit more than i should.

it wasn't all bad, but it wasn't that good.

SICK JOKE

write it in gold.

the ending gets old.

they say you learn to know when it's time to go.

these days i'm talking to myself.

i know what to say now.

is everything i feel temporary?

i'm learning more about myself and it's scary.

won't you let me live right here in the memory?

love me plenty.

take this gently.

leave me empty.

leave me whole.

call it what it is: it's a sick, sick joke.

nobody's laughing now.

i wanna learn to love you, i just don't know how.

i swear i'm really trying, but i'm all worn out.

all that happened hurt me more than i care to talk about.

nothing ever changes, and i'm sick of this town.

will i find it in me to find a way out?

i think i might feel better once i let you down.

we never touched in that midnight glow.

every part of me you begged to know.

i look into your eyes and i see my own.

it's almost like you always knew me—what a horrifying feeling.

you were horrifying.

i only miss it a little.

i don't wish you very well.

you only loved me in riddles.

you still loved me, i could tell.

now you call it a fever dream.

you're only kidding yourself.

i wanna learn to trust you, i just don't know how.

you're no longer a contact.

i'm good on my own, but you already know that.

you swore to be true.

you failed in the moment.

they say it takes two, but i blame you.

i don't know what it means.

someday i'll find the meaning.

the wound still stings.

i kinda like the bleeding.

where'd you go?

you oughta stay there.

i had to block you on the internet 'cause i still care.

it keeps me up at night like a bad, bad dream.

what if i never find someone who's just like me?

our stars never aligned.

we did a bad thing.

i hold on to the grudges.

i wish you held me.

i have an incessant need for a love so all-consuming that it ruins me.

you promised it was real.

i guess you misspoke.

i wanna be merciful, i just don't know how.

it goes against my nature to believe you're bad.

why'd you have to go and lie to me like that?

there always come a point where you have to have your own back.

now's as good a time as ever to learn that.

i'm thankful that i never gave you all of me.

now i get to walk away with everything.

if i linger in your memory, eradicate me!

i never saw you coming, but i felt you leave.

i did my best.

i hope you never find the guts to make amends.

i'm crying to my friends.

i'm plotting my revenge.

all i really wanna know is why would you pretend?

FERAL

i served my head on a platter.

i wish i were dead by now.

what does it matter?

make your amends.

prepare for the slaughter.

the rumors are true.

you're callous and cruel.

that [ woman ] is feral.

they said, "be careful, that [ woman ] is the devil.

even god herself as never known such evil.

i see [ her ] when the lights go low.

i feel [ her ] when i'm on my own.

i do my best work under pressure.

you fight for your life.

for me, it's just pleasure.

blood on my lips looks so much better.

witness my final ascension.

i command your undivided attention.

i'm teaching a lesson.

god is a woman and she likes other women.

does it keep you up at night?

was there something in the light that looks like me?

was it worse than you thought?

are you praying to a god you don't believe?

there's a shadow in your bed.

[ she ] won't leave.

i kinda wish i killed you sooner.

pray to your great empty heaven.

THE KICKER

it's snowing for the second time this winter.

i'm glad i didn't, but i wish i'd kissed [ her ]

i've been contemplating resolutions.

i blocked the user, but [ she ] made a new one.

i'm at a loss.

maybe i'm sick and need an obsession.

maybe it's love and the timing's up to heaven.

if it's as real as it feels, wouldn't you be here still?

ain't that the kicker.

there's a ghost in these walls.

[ she ] says nothing at all.

there ain't a single day i don't feel [ her ].

you're a lesson learned.

i'm one you get to work through.

how dare you say this ain't easy for you.

you get to fall asleep in bed with a [ girl ] who chose you.

i hate that i still wonder if it's what you wanted.

you said you're all mine.

it left me haunted.

if i go crazy, put your name down on the paper.

cause of death: a fucking serial dater.

maybe i'm mixing up all the signs.

you're really not a bad guy.

you could be the one if i just let this one slide.

baby, you're lucky that i'm such a forgiver.

you chose her too.

don't tell me you love me if you don't mean it like that.

you don't mean it like that.

don't tell me you're coming back, you don't mean it like that.

why'd the lord make me such a forgiver?

EARTH EYES

you're got earth in your eyes.

i can hardly survive how you touch me at night.

will you touch me tonight?

will you touch me?

you're all mine.

you kissed and you cursed me.

i spent 7 years trying to prove i was worthy.

i waited for worship.

i waited for madness.

i sat on your doorstep.

i loved without reason.

you loved me in secret.

now that i'm older, i no longer mind it.

it wasn't one-sided.

you tried to hide it.

you wound pretty lies 'til we crashed and collided.

i finally found you.

ALIBI

i don't love [ her ], but i think about [ her ] all the time.

i wonder what on earth [ she ] tastes like.

i've got a hundred reasons why i need an alibi.

i think it's funny.

i can never get [ her ] all alone.

it's all we know.

i haven't been this close to heaven since they shut me out.

i still had blood on my clothes.

[ she ] washed it out.

i know nothing in this world can save me now.

no, i don't love [ her ]

[ she's ] just somehow all i think about.

ain't it funny?

for you, i think i could have been someone.

i hope you know when it's your time to go, it'd be an honor just to offer up a hand to hold.

if i have to wait until our decaying state to be that close to you, darling, it's all i'll do.

i'll be yours forever, if forever will have me.

i'll be yours forever.

4EVER

it's already been 6 months.

i kinda hate how the time just goes and goes.

it feel strange to think about how i used to be somebody you didn't know.

you're the first i always call.

i share my clothes and fears with you.

we know it's something special.

we know we're gonna miss it when we get a little older.

i'm crying on your shoulder.

i think i fell in love, but it feels a little better.

i could stay right here in this house with you forever.

some things are meant to be.

some things are accidental.

you make me believe the world could be gentle.

every minute here i get more sentimental.

you cry in my arms.

i put on the kettle.

we do what we want.

the [ girls ] are allowed.

i had a panic attack, now we're going out.

god, i love the [ girl ] house!

you can brush your teeth while i'm singing in the shower.

i'll follow you wherever.

you make it all right.

home is where i love you.

they could stick us in a movie.

i'd even go to hell if it meant with you.

how'd we get so lucky?

home is where you love me.

we're all just a little bit in love with [ Amelia ].

i'll meet you on the corner.

i'm down in california.

they say talk is cheap.

JANUARY

it's all so comforting, the part of me that dies without you here.

tell me how i'm supposed to stay away for another year.

i don't wanna kill the parts of me that loved you right.

i can't look them in the eye.

i swear i will hate you for this forever.

i never got to tell you that i loved you.

i was blinded by your tunnel light.

this is my town.

honey, it's your wasteland.

i don't think we'll ever talk again.

we couldn't get that right.

i didn't notice the moment you let go of this.

i was all alone in it for longer than i knew.

i knew.

you made the right choice.

i'm second guessing if i ever really knew your true intentions.

you couldn't hold back.

i couldn't learn my lesson.

i kinda hate the silence.

i know what to do with it.

now it's over.

i feel 10 years older, somehow none the wiser.

i do this every time.

i couldn't get that right.

your skeletons, they don't scare me.

i go back to january—in my mind, you wait there for me.

i feel pathetic, insisting this shit's poetic.

i feel you rolling those damn eyes.

i curse 'em all the time.

no, i don't miss you anymore.

i don't want you back in my life, i couldn't live like that.

i'd say i'm happy.

there's still something so daunting.

i never felt the weight of it all.

you came along and took it off me.

i hope you're happy.

i can't look at any pictures, i'm afraid i'll see you with [ her ].

i heard you got that right.

i can't go back, i can't move forward.

i cried all night.

what's that like, being loved by you?

i still talk to you when i'm sleeping.

i call you name just to feel something.

i never learned to let a good thing go.

no, you won't be seeing my name on a phone screen.

you're hoping it's me who caves—well, it won't be!

i needed the time and the space.

i can't recall why it was needed in the first place.

i ain't a killer.

oh baby, i might be.

you're somehow the one i can't leave behind me.

in my mind, you regret me.

do you regret me?

[ohmydamgods]

Taylor Swift songs I associate with Riordanverse couples

(Inspired by @thedamwaterboy)

Percabeth:

Mine (Speak Now):

“Do you remember, we were sittin’ there by the water? You put your arm around me for the first time”

“You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded. You say we’ll never make my parents mistakes”

“Braced myself for the goodbye, Cause’ that’s all I’ve ever known. Then you took me by surprise. You said, ‘ I’ll never leave you alone ’

Jump Then Fall (Fearless)

“Every time you smile, I smile. And every time you shine, I’ll shine for you”

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet, I'll catch you, I'll catch you. When people say things that bring you to your knees, I'll catch you. The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry, But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

“Whoa oh, I need you baby. Don’t be afraid, please jump then fall, jump then fall into me.”

You Are In Love (1989):

“Morning, his place. Burnt Toast, Sunday. You keep his shirt, he keeps his word. And for once, you let go. Of your past, and your ghosts. One step, not much, but it said enough.”

“One night, he wakes, strange look on his face. Pauses, then says, ‘You’re my best friend.’”

“And you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars. And why I’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words. ‘Cause you can hear it in the silence. You can feel it on the way home. You can see it with the lights out. You are in love, true love.”

New Year’s Day (Reputation):

“Don’t read the last page. But I stay, when you’re lost, and I’m scared, and you’re turning away. I want your midnights, but I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day.”

“I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe. Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home.”

“Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I can recognize anywhere.”

I Think He Knows (Lover):

“He got that boyish look that I like in a man. I am an architect I’m drawing up the plans. It’s like I’m 17, nobody understands. No. One. Understands.”

“I think he knows he’d better lock it down, or I won’t stick around, ‘cause the good ones never wait.”

“Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh. We could follow the sparks, I’ll drive.”

Mastermind (Midnights):

“Once upon a time, the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned. You and I ended up in the same room, at the same time. And the touch of a hand lit the fuse. To a chain reaction of countermoves.”

“I laid the groundwork, and just like clockwork, the dominoes cascaded in a line. What if I told you I’m a mastermind? And now you’re mine. It was all by design. ‘Cause I’m a mastermind.”

“All the wisest women had to do it this way. Because we were born to be the pawn in every lovers game. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Strategy sets the scene for the tale.”

“No one wanted to play with me as a little kid. So I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since, to make them love me and make it seem effortless.”

“And I swear, I’m only cryptic and Machiavellian ‘cause I care.”

[miracleonice87]

m's midnights (3 a.m. edition) prompt list

she’s back and she brought a prompt list!!! since I’m seeing my girl in just over a month (squee!), it felt time for some moody, Tayloresque shit.

please read the instructions below carefully.

pick a boy from my list (once again: I don’t write for people who aren’t on the list), pick a number from the list below, and send both my way.

I’ll take 5 requests from the list below, and I’ll probably also write some that I want to write for myself.

I honestly have no timetable to fulfill the requests, so keep that in mind. I’m just letting the writing flow whenever it comes!

*new this round:* I reserve the right to write a request for a different boy if inspiration isn’t coming to me for the one you requested. please feel free to list alternate boys as a way to help combat this. I also reserve the right to choose a different lyric for the same reason. 

Lavender Haze: “Staring at the ceiling with you / Oh, you don’t ever say too much / And you don’t really read into my melancholia / I been under scrutiny / You handle it beautifully / All this shit is new to me” 

Maroon: “Laughing with my feet in your lap / like you were my closest friend / ‘how’d we end up on the floor anyway’ you say / “your roommate’s cheap-ass screw-top rosé, that’s how” / I see you every day now”

Maroon: “And I chose you / the one I was dancing with in New York, no shoes” [choose from: Mathew Barzal, Anthony Beauvillier, Kevin Hayes, or Jack Hughes]

Maroon: “The burgundy on my t-shirt when you splashed your wine into me / and how the blood rushed into my cheeks / so scarlet it was maroon”

Maroon: “You were standing hollow-eyed in the hallway / carnations you had thought were roses, that’s us / I feel you no matter what”

You’re On Your Own, Kid: “Summer went away / still the yearning stays / I play it cool with the best of them / I wait patiently / he’s gonna notice me / it’s okay, we’re the best of friends anyway”

You’re On Your Own, Kid: “I hear it in your voice / you’re smoking with your boys / I touch my phone as if it’s your face / I didn’t choose this town / I dream of getting out / there’s just one who could make me stay / all my days”

You’re On Your Own, Kid: “I search the party of better bodies / just to learn that you never cared / you’re on your own, kid / you always have been”

Midnight Rain: “my boy was a montage / a slow-motion love potion / jumping off things in the ocean / I broke his heart ‘cause he was nice / he was sunshine / I was midnight rain / he wanted it comfortable / I wanted that pain / he wanted a bride / I was making my own name”

Question…?: “good girl, sad boy / big city, wrong choices / we had one thing going on / I swear that it was something / ‘cause I don’t remember who I was / before you painted all my nights a color I have searched for since”

Question…?: “does it feel like everything’s just like second best after that meteor strike / and what was that I heard / that you’re still with her / that’s nice, i’m sure that’s what’s suitable and right / but tonight / can I ask you a question”

Bejeweled: “puttin’ someone first only works when you’re in their top five / and by the way, I’m going out tonight” 

Labyrinth: “you would break your back to make me break a smile / you know how much I hate / that everybody just expects me to bounce back / just like that”

Sweet Nothing: “Outside they’re push and shovin’ / you’re in the kitchen humming / all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothin’”

Sweet Nothing: “And the voices that implore, ‘you should be doing more’ / to you, I can admit that I’m just too soft for all of it”

Mastermind: “Once upon a time, the planets and the fates / and all the stars aligned / you and I ended up in the same room / at the same time” 

Bigger Than The Whole Sky: “Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye / you were bigger than the whole sky / you were more than just a short time / and I've got a lot to pine about / I've got a lot to live without / I'm never gonna meet / what could've been, would've been / what should've been you” [tw / cw: considering the meaning of this song, this could potentially be written for a miscarriage situation]

Paris: “Privacy sign on the door / and on my page and on the whole world / romance is not dead if you keep it just yours” 

High Infidelity: “You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love / the slowest way is never loving them enough / do you really wanna know where I was April 29th? / do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?” [tw / cw: considering the meaning of this song, this could potentially be written for a cheating / affair situation]

Glitch: “We were supposed to be just friends / you don't live in my part of town, but maybe I'll see you out some weekend / depending on what kind of mood and situationship I'm in / and what's in my system”

[drivemysoul]

“taylor you are so so beautiful and so so autistic please categorise taylor swift lyrics that correspond with kazuto and asuna’s relationship through every arc of sword art online”

thank you 😭😭 also thank you to everyone else who sent one i love y’all so much 🩷 okay i’m limiting myself to 3 per arc or i’ll be here for 20 hours because i have hours long playlists for each and every arc i love these two so so much

aincrad: “once upon a time the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned, you and i ended up in the same room at the same time, and the touch of a hand lit the fuse of a chain reaction of countermoves to asses the equation of you, checkmate, i couldn’t lose” (i’m counting it as one lyric shush), “i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this” and “i’m perfectly fine, i live on my own, i made up my mind, i’m better off being alone, we met a few weeks ago, now you try on calling me baby like trying on clothes”

sugary days: “i want to drive away with you, i want your complications too, i want your dreary monday, wrap your arms around me baby boy”, “outside they’re pushing and shoving, you’re in the kitchen humming, all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing” and “take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die, i don’t belong and my beloved neither do you”

fairy dance: “i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us”, “romeo save me, they’re trying to tell me how to feel, this love is difficult but it’s real” and “don’t say yes, run away now, i’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the back door, don’t wait or say a single vow, you need to hear me out and they said speak now”

phantom bullet: “i’d give my sunshine, give you my best, but the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me”, “when i was shipwrecked i thought of you, in the cracks of light i dreamed of you, it was real enough to get me through, i swear you were there” and “are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these, and let all your damage damage me, and carry your baggage up my street, and make me your future history?”

mother’s rosario: “you can’t talk to me when i’m like this, daring you to leave me just so i can try and scare you”, “no deal, the 1950’s shit they want from me, i just wanna stay in that lavender haze” and “i gave you all my best me’s, my endless empathy, and all i did was bleed as i tried to be the bravest soldier, fighting in only your arms, frontlines don’t you ignore me, i’m the best thing at this party, and i wouldn’t marry me either”

ordinal scale: “i like shiny things but i’d marry you with paper rings”, “only bought this dress so you could take it off” and “give you the silence that only comes when two people understand eachother, family that i chose now that i see your brother as my brother, is it enough?”

alicization: “i woke up just in time, now i wake up by your side, my one and only, my lifeline”, “can i go where you go? can we always be this close forever and ever?” and “wherever you stray, i’ll follow”

war of underworld: “lord save me, my drug is my baby, i’ll be using for the rest of my life”, “i would’ve read your love letters every single night and prayed to god you’d be coming home alright, and you would’ve been fine, we would’ve been timeless” and “in the end in wonderland we both went mad”

moon cradle: “have i known you twenty seconds or twenty years?”, “i don’t wanna look at anything else now that i saw you, i don’t wanna think of anything else now that i thought of you” and “time breaks down your mind and body, don’t you let it touch your soul”

unital ring: “i’m gonna love you when our hair is turning grey, we’ll have a cardboard box of photos of the life we’ve made and you’ll say “oh my, we really were timeless””, “up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush, drinking beer out of plastic cups, say you fancy me not fancy stuff, baby all at once this enough” and “i’ve loved you three summers now honey but i want them all”

[bastardtetsu]

critical thinking | ch①

pairing: kuroo tetsuro x gn!reader

genre: college au, enemies to lovers, tsundere!reader, slow burn

wc: 1.9k

warnings: swearing, being a theatre major 

※ mlist | ● ② ③ ④

you knew it was a dumb bitch move to procrastinate on your science requirement.

trying to schedule gen-eds around the demanding requirements of your theatre degree was already a nightmare, and your aversion to maths and sciences makes it even more difficult to find classes that both fit in your schedule AND don’t make you want to actively drop out of school. you weren’t sure why you thought putting off your one and only science credit until your final semester was going to solve any of that. so, you couldn’t be shocked when your only option to graduate on time ended up being 9am chemistry 1. on a monday, no less.

the first class is just as bad as you expect. the lecture drags on for ages, and as much as you will your sleepy morning brain to wrap your head around the concepts being thrown at you, no amount of caffeine, color-coded notes, or mental gymnastics can ford the river of brain-muddling frustration standing between you and a passing grade - the one you need to graduate.

panic begins to set in as you visualize all the hard work you put into your degree rendered useless, all because of a class that doesn’t even have to do with your field of study. who decided there had to be a science requirement anyway? i don’t need fucking chemistry to get a theatre degree??

“if you’re having trouble with anything,” your professor announces, bringing your attention back to the lecture that's finally wrapping up, “the tutoring center on campus is a great resource. i also hold office hours at the times listed on the syllabus. that’s our time for today folks, have a good week.”

you check the syllabus - all of the professor’s office hours conflict with your other classes, of course. asking your classmates is out of the question, seeing as you’re the lone arts major in a sea of STEM and pre-med. as annoying as it is to have to add another item to your schedule, tutoring seems like the only option if you want any hope of graduating. luckily you have some time before your next class, so you pack up your things and head for the tutoring center.

you pray that a decent chem tutor is available during any of your limited free time as you approach the lady at the desk of the tutoring office. she informs you of several with hours later in the week, none of which align with your schedule, and one who is available for the next hour. you figure tutoring right after class isn’t a bad deal - especially considering it’s your only option. the woman gives you a classroom number and a name - kuroo tetsuro - and you set out.

it doesn’t take you long to find the right classroom, but you aren’t prepared for the sight that is waiting for you there. a strong jawline and a mess of black hair that appears to stick up on its own catch your eye first as he taps away at his phone screen, his bored slouch doing nothing to hide his imposing height.

“um... hi, kuroo?” you say tentatively. his eyes glance up from his phone, slightly startled.

“oh, hey,” he responds, sitting up a bit, “you here for tutoring?”

“i am,” you reply with a half smile, “y/n.”

“kuroo. nice to meet you, y/n,” he pulls out the chair next to him as an invitation, “what year are you?”

“i’m a senior,” you say as you make your way over and sit down, “i’m in chem 1.” he definitely seems taller up close, even sitting down.

“chem 1? as a senior?” he asks derisively, his lips curling into a smirk. embarrassment and annoyance shoot through your chest.

“i’m a theatre major, alright,” you respond dryly, “i’m just trying to get my science credit and go.”

“left it ‘til the last minute, huh?” that smirk is still on his face.

“yeah, not my best decision,” you reply, trying not to let your annoyance seep through, “but i’m just trying to pass this class so i can graduate.”

“well, hopefully i can help with that,” he says smugly, “i may be a lowly business major, but i’m pretty good with chem if i do say so myself.”

a business major. of course. you’re familiar with the future capitalist machinery of the business school from your limited experience with the frat parties they so densely populated. needless to say, the impression was not good.

“so what do you need help with?”

“um...” you pondered, “all of it?” he snickered.

“you’re gonna have to be more specific if you wanna get anywhere.” his tone is dripping with amusement. is he trying to piss you off?

“ugh,” you let out an exasperated grunt, suddenly averse to showing any kind of weakness to this jerk. you pull out your notebook and flip to the page where you had attempted to take notes earlier. “this stuff.”

he leans over to take a look at your notes, and as his eyes scan the page you suddenly notice his smell - some fancy-smelling cologne with like, sandalwood or some shit - and his strong but elegant bone structure. i could cut myself on those cheekbones, you think.

“these notes are terrible.”

annnndddd he ruined it.

“well i can’t exactly take good notes if i have no clue what’s going on,” you counter, “isn’t that what you’re supposed to help me with?”

“i can try,” he says with an amused grin, “but I’ve never seen someone struggle this much with the basics on day one.”

now, you could put up with a lot of shit, but the one thing you cannot stand is being condescended to. especially not by some egotistical capitalist fucker who barely knows you.

“look,” you say pointedly, holding back the urge to throat punch him right then and there, “i’m really busy, and i just wanna pass this class, so if you could help me without being a dick about it i’d really appreciate it.”

“aw, but where’s the fun in that?”

his lips twist back into that patronizing smirk - he’s definitely trying to get a rise out of you.

“fuck off,” you say with a roll of your eyes, refusing to take his bait, “are you gonna teach me chemistry or not?”

he chuckles quietly again, thoroughly entertained. “sure. only because I’m so kind, and i could use the challenge.”

you scoff, but hold yourself back from retorting. you don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

at first, it’s excruciating. you loathe this douchey business bro getting off on being condescending while explaining chemistry to you like you don’t understand anything - which, to be fair, you don’t. but that somehow makes you resent him more.

granted, once you actually get down to business, kuroo is actually a pretty good tutor. he’s not actively annoying when he’s actually trying to teach you something, and he’s surprisingly patient and good at breaking things down. dude is smart, there’s no denying that.

nevertheless, even when he’s not being snarky, every correction he makes seems to fluster you more. you hate looking stupid in front of others, and something about kuroo seems to amplify that feeling by a thousand. you blame his attitude.

as you fumble trying to wrap your head around the unfamiliar numbers, symbols, & formulas, you’re simultaneously attempting to maintain a shred of dignity in front of this man who clearly thinks of you as the dumbest bitch on the planet. and the more you struggle, the more you worry he’s right.

“seeeee? i told you it wasn’t that hard!” he hums as you finish off another homework question you’d been struggling with. he can’t seem to praise you without being patronizing as fuck, either. you look up from your page momentarily to shoot him a glare.

frustration and embarrassment simmer inside of you with each of his snide remarks, but you hold yourself together and divert the attention back to studying each time. the restraint it takes not to deck him right in his pretty face is honestly deserving of a nobel peace prize.

“not bad,” he muses as you finally finish off the last of your homework, “and it only took you two and a half hours!”

“i’m floored,” you deadpan. your brain is too exhausted to formulate a more clever comeback. then you suddenly realize - “hang on... has it actually been two and a half hours? i thought you were only available for one??”

“technically,” he shrugs, “that’s when my tutoring hours end. but I wasn’t doing anything after, and you seemed like you needed the extra help.” that shitty smile is back. you can feel your blood boiling, but at the same time that... is actually pretty nice of him?

“ah... th-thanks,” you mumble, still resistant to showing any signs of weakness - much less gratitude - to the messy-haired prick.

“so, should i expect you back next week?” his stare reminds you of a cat sizing up its prey.

“uh... maybe,” you say. you honestly don’t have an answer yet. “i have to run though, i’ve got another class to get to.”

“don’t be a stranger,” he grins, “you’re gonna need a lot of help if you wanna graduate.”

you shoot him another glare as you swing your bag over your shoulder.

“i’ll think about it.”

he's still smirking at you as you walk out the door.

—

as much as you’d like to deny it, there’s not much to think about. none of the other chem tutors are available when you are, and there’s no way you’re passing the class without the extra help. and, as insufferable as he is, kuroo did help you get through your entire first week of homework successfully.

of course, you still resent having to rely on some nasty ass, pompous business major to mansplain chemistry to you every week so you can graduate. well, technically it’s not mansplaining since you don’t actually know anything about chemistry. and you technically also asked him to do it. but god, does he have to be such a dick about it??

it’s just an hour or two once a week, you reassure yourself, you can put up with it.

this is easier said than done, of course. the following monday, you begrudgingly approach the same classroom, empty except for one (1) chickenhead douchebag, who promptly stares you down with the most shiteating smile you’ve ever seen.

“oya oya~ look who decided to come back!” he croons.

“don’t flatter yourself, it’s not like I had much of a choice,” you respond flatly. why is he still looking at me with that dumb expression?

“true, there’s no way you’re passing on your own.”

“listen,” you reply pointedly, “some people have better things to do than worry about how many neutrons are on hydrogen or whatever”

“hydrogen doesn’t have any neutrons.”

“COOL!!!! i just want to graduate!!”

“well then you’re gonna need to know that hydrogen doesn’t have any neutr-”

“ALRIGHT, i got it,” you huff, “can you just… help me figure out this balancing equations shit? WITHOUT being an asshole about it?”

“hmm… sorry, i can only accept one request at a time.”

this is gonna be a long fucking semester.

a/n: eeeeee this is the first time i’ve actually wholeheartedly attempted to write a fic in lord knows how long (possibly ever?? idk them memories repressed) and my first time posting my own writing so i hope y’all like it !! everybody who’s ready to see me trash talk k*roo t*tsuro say way ho

[sp0okynerd]

Clockwork

You can find me on AO3 and FFNET!

“Like clockwork,” I said in a low voice as I watched the familiar brunette stroll into the dark and dingy pub. This bar, The Common Room, was one of the best places in town for getting a quick drink after work - it also has fair prices and is never too busy.  And at six o'clock every night, without fail, I’d see her come in and make a beeline for the bar. This is probably my personal favorite perk of coming here.

After she gets a drink, usually something simple like a gin and tonic, she takes a seat on the stool at the other end of the bar. I used to think it was happenstance, but now I feel she keeps a safe distance on purpose...always making sure to keep at least a  2-3 stool buffer from any and all possible social interaction.

I can feel her eyes on me. It’s as if she is begging me to come and talk to her, but just as I look over at her, she has already looked away. I try to force my mind to let my body go over to her, but instead, it just reminds me that if I do it might put an end to this weird, safe dance we’ve been doing for months now - that and it was going to take a lot more than two beers to make that happen.

I have been talking myself out of pursuing happiness for as long as I can remember. My best mate Harry always tells me that I am my own worst enemy, and he's not wrong. But yet, I always come here, just for her. As pathetic as it may be, my night could be made simply by watching her there, even if there have never been two spoken words between us. Actually, no, scratch that. We have spoken two words. Once in the too-small hallway leading to the bathrooms, she muttered “excuse me” as she squeezed by, her chest lightly brushing against mine as she passed. Not exactly the most meaningful conversation.

Being the quiet observer I am, I came to notice a lot of details about her. I could tell she worked an office job by the way she dressed- button-up shirts that were always paired with a cardigan and pencil skirt. She would consistently order a beer, only one, and hardly drink it. She would merely hold the sweating bottle in her hand and stare into the mirror behind the bar.

Sometimes on my drive home from work, I would tell myself how crazy this all was, how I should just go home instead. But every day I find myself wondering what color cardigan she would be wearing that day, and before I knew it I was pulling into the all too familiar parking lot. I know I should just go talk to her. I should just say ‘what the hell’ for once, but no matter how many times I go over it in my head I just can’t find the words.

She was absolutely beautiful. Wild curls, tanned skin, and soft curves. In my mind, she was the most alluring person I had ever seen. Though I couldn’t help but notice she didn’t seem to know her own beauty. I could tell by the way she solemnly toyed with the label on the bottle, always denying those who approached her before continuing to look like a girl whose prom date had ditched her for someone else. I was intimidated, even with her shy demeanor, and every night when she walked into that bar, my world would standstill.

I began to fear that I was talking her up in my head, making her out to be some character in a movie that didn’t really exist, and making unfair assumptions. But something in me beckoned me to get to know her. I’d finally convinced myself that tonight was the night - I would finally do something about it. So I walked confidently over to my usual stool and was just about to order when the world paused. To my left, I saw the brunette who finally came up to me in the end.

I guess my cautious glances and my constant attendance at the bar hadn’t gone as unnoticed by her as my confidence had led me to think.

‘Well, hers either’ I thought to myself as a smile crept across my face.

She really was beautiful. Her cardigan color of choice was plum, and it balanced the deep tone of her skin in a way that made my mouth go completely dry. She gave me a sweet smile and stated,

“Would you like to dance?”

I nodded, unable to get out a verbal reply, and I swear her eyes gleamed even in the dim light around us. “I’m Ron,” I managed to choke out before she took my hand and led me to the sticky dance floor. The song that was blasting was Anna Sun by Walk the Moon, and I will never forget how she threw her head back in a laugh at the sight of my dance moves.

Wait for summertime Coming up for air Now it's all I want Now it's all I want Live my life without Coming up for air Now it's all I want As I watched you dance, I could see you’d gone the extra mile in fixing your hair tonight. Instead of the usual wild curls that I adored so much, they were more smooth and sleek. Both looks take my breath away just the same.

It may have been the four beers she downed instead of her usual ¼ a glass; but I could tell that for whatever reason, she was letting herself go tonight. Maybe she was finally dusting off whatever had held her down in the past. Maybe she could feel what I was feeling. Like there was always something pulling us together, but we’d both just been too scared to do anything about it. For the first time since I’d first seen her walk into the pub, the smile on her face looked real, ecstatic even.

Her confidence must have rubbed off on me because I found myself snaking my arms around her waist as the song changed to something slower, pulling her near. We were the only ones dancing as this wasn’t really the place where people danced, but neither of us cared. I felt like all of the planets were finally aligning.

The last call rolled around, but I could tell our night wasn’t done. How could it be? I still hadn’t even asked her name. On the drive to my apartment, I used the comfortable silence to take her in. Feet on my dash curls disheveled, her shoes long since abandoned. Beautiful, that’s the only thought that came to mind.

“Hermione, by the way,” she said as she flashed me a small smile. “I never told you.”

I laughed at the ridiculousness of this situation, “Do you usually get in the car with men you haven’t even told your name?”

“Can’t say that I have, but I just feel like I’ve known you forever. Is that weird?”

“No, it isn’t. I feel the same way.” I admit.

We never ended up making it to my apartment, instead, we veered off to a nearby park that was completely empty given the hour of the night. Lucky me, I happened to have a blanket in my car. “Always prepared!” she joked, complete with a boy scout salute.

As we walked down to the small pond in the park, we chatted about our jobs, our fears. I can’t even remember everything we talked about, but I know every subject known to man was touched as we spread the blanket on the dewy grass and gazed up at the stars. Both of us were pretending that we knew more than just the big and little dipper.

“I took astronomy in school you know,” she said with a laugh.  

I had never met anyone quite like her, I couldn’t believe this was real can remember asking her to pinch me. She giggled at that. The sound was infectious.

Before I lost my courage, I leaned over and kissed her. Warm. I’ll never forget how warm her lips were. They welcomed me eagerly, and I more than happily obliged. She parted her lips slightly, inviting my tongue inside, and I slowly lowered her down onto the blanket.

Looks like I can cross ‘shagging in a public park’ off my bucket list, huh?

Hermione taught me the most important lesson I ever learned that night- to always go with my gut. I spent too much time nursing a beer when I could have been making memories because it is impossible to know when you will meet the love of their life if you never even summon the courage to tell them hello. The 'what ifs’ of life can distract you from the magic.

Hermione shows me that magic every day.

[celestialmark]

Lacuna - Part Three

- Characters: Johnny Suh x reader, members of nct  - Category: single parent au, fluff, slight angst.  - Word count: 6.3k  - Warnings: - - Navigation: prologue | part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | epilogue  - Author’s notes: ACK SHE IS FINALLY HERE SKSKKSK if u noticed, I'm adding an extra part to the series ksksksk as always, this series is dedicated to you bub! love u heaps. 

“How was it?” Taeyong asks, taking a sip from the cup of coffee you had just made him.

You ponder on the question for a few seconds before you take the seat opposite him on the dining table. “Pretty well. I think Youngho really likes him.”

Taeyong nods knowingly in relief. He studies your distracted expression before proceeding with his next question. “And how do you feel?”

“Good. I’m happy if Youngho is,” you reply almost too quickly while you play with the ceramic mug nestled in your palms.

Taeyong’s brow shoots upwards and you begin to hate the fact that you really were incapable of hiding anything from him. “So how do you really feel?”

You let out an exasperated sigh this time and the familiar sensation of heaviness comes back to sit on your chest. Ever since that day at the playground, you have been anything but at peace. Seeing Youngho elated meeting his father finally after four years should make you the happiest mother on earth, but whenever your thoughts trace back to that day, worries and concerns cloud your mind.

“I should be happy right?” You start, trailing your eyes to the wooden table. “But.. I don’t know. I feel restless Yong. Johnny has every right to meet his son and that was the primary reason why I allowed it to happen in the first place. But now what? What happens next? Is he going to stick around for Youngho? He’s going to be the next in line for their company– He has so much on his plate. I–” your voice drops when your thoughts run haywire and you don’t know which words to say next.

Taeyong listens to you silently and decides to never let you know how it crushes him inside to see you like this.

“He came back here for other reasons yet I come along and tell him he’s a father of a four year old. I don’t want to impose that role on him so fast nor do I want him to feel he has the responsibility of looking after Youngho because I can do it by myself just fine. I want him to have the choice..”

“Y/n, of course he’s going to want to take responsibility of Youngho. He’s the dad, and any sane person on this planet would feel the need to take care of and protect their own child,” Taeyong replies calmly, making you look up at him. “You’re forgetting about the kind of person Johnny is. We’re talking about the person who once contemplated abandoning everything he’s ever wanted in his whole life just to be with you. Remember? He wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t for you convincing him otherwise.”

Taeyong’s words are like daggers to your heart and you almost choke on the impending tears when you remember how difficult it was to let Johnny go.

“So what makes you think he’s going to leave his son behind?”

It’s not often that you have these kinds of conversation with Taeyong, the last one being five years ago when you were absolutely in fragments the day Johnny left. But whenever you do, you always expect Taeyong to leave you speechless with everything he has to say because he was always right, just like now.

The familiar ring of the doorbell echoes in the house and you get up immediately to hide the fact that Taeyong’s words stirred the things you’ve buried deep down back to life.

Through the glass door, you find Youngho in Johnny’s arms and they’re laughing with each other, probably about something Johnny said. Sliding the glass door open, you catch the attention of the two and Youngho’s eyes immediately brighten up when he sees you.

“Mommy!” He outstretches his arms out to you and you instantly take him from Johnny’s hold and hug him tight. You notice the way Johnny’s scent lingers on your son and you try hard not to let the distinct smell affect you too much as it sends you through waves of nostalgia.

“How was school?” You murmur into his ear, his arms never leaving your neck.

“Really good! I have a surprise for you in my bag,” Youngho replies, excitement evident in his voice. “And Daddy brought me my favourite fruit snacks when he came to collect me so I’m extra happy.”

Your eyes involuntarily widen at the term that leaves Youngho’s lips for the very first time and your gaze flies to Johnny who’s smiling bashfully as he rubs the nape of his neck. You melt at the thought of Johnny feeling ecstatic for being acknowledged by his son and the thought of Youngho finally having someone to call his dad. Taeyong’s words reverberate in your mind and before you know it, a glimmer of hope finds its way to comfort you.

“Thank you for picking Youngho up from school today,” you say to Johnny who’s still caught up with Youngho calling him his dad.

“My pleasure,” he replies. Youngho lets go of you then so that he can twist his body to look at Johnny. “I’ll see you soon?” Johnny says.

“Are you going to bring me to school tomorrow again too?” Youngho asks innocently, eyes expectant.

Johnny pauses before he glances at you. “Of course. If mommy is okay with it?”

You try your best not to flinch when Johnny directs at you and you wish he had used your name instead.

“Mommy is it okay?” Youngho asks you, breaking you out of your trance.

“Of course baby,” you reply.

Youngho beams at you then and his smile motivates you even further to give it your all to keep it. Taeyong appears by the hallway and Youngho instantly scurries off your arms to go and greet his favourite uncle.

“Hi Johnny,” Taeyong says as he scoops Youngho into his arms.

Johnny gestures at Taeyong with a nod, “Hey Tae.”

“I’ll take Youngho inside first,” Taeyong announces. “Thanks for bringing him home man.”

When Youngho smiles at Taeyong, he whizzes Youngho away to leave you and Johnny alone. You watch Taeyong’s back disappears behind a door and when he’s gone, you turn back to Johnny who has his hands hidden in the pockets of his jeans.

“I hope spending time with Youngho isn’t interfering with your schedules,” you say, genuinely worried. “You must be so busy.” 

Johnny shakes his head right away. “Not at all. Don’t worry about it. There’s so much I need to make up for, I don’t wanna miss any chance I get.”

You give him a weak smile. “Johnny I hope you don’t feel you have to do this, you know–”

Johnny is already nodding at you. “I know y/n. I want to though–” He’s peering into your eyes and you can’t quite point a finger on what his eyes want to tell you.

“I want to be his dad.”

You blink at him in utter shock but his words bring your raging concerns and previous worries to rest. And you let out a huge exhale when the comfort relieves all the contemplations that’s been keeping you up at night. You didn’t know the words Johnny has just said were the ones you were in desperate need of.

“Okay,” is all you can say, still stunned.

“And I want to say thank you, for letting me meet him,” Johnny adds, voice genuine and lips smiling.

“Johnny, he’s your son. Of course you have all the right to meet him,” you answer.

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and shift in his spot. “I know that. But it mustn’t have been easy on your part to let Youngho meet someone he’s never met all his life and to even introduce me as his dad.”

You nod understandingly, gaining a better insight to Johnny’s thoughts. Taeyong was right. You really were starting to forget the Johnny you knew from before. Because up until now you’ve forgotten how he always managed to reassure you in some sort of way. His reassurance only makes you believe even more that allowing Johnny back into your life was the right decision. If not for you, but definitely for your son.

“Hey, everything is good, he really likes you,” you say in attempts to lighten up the mood.

Johnny chuckles, the sound he emits sending goosebumps all over your skin. “I’m glad. I want to beat Taeyong and be his only favourite.”

You laugh at this and so does Johnny. Silence follows after.

“Hey y/n?”

“Hm?”

“Is it okay if I pick you up from work some time? With Youngho?”

And it feels just like nine years ago. Everything happening at this moment reminds you of the very first time Johnny had asked you to go on your first date with him; a shy smile grazing his lips, his eyes imploring yours as he rocks back and forth on his toes. The nostalgia floods even more and for a second, you swear that the butterflies have come back.

You smile at Johnny when you manage to bring yourself back to the present, loving the featherweight settling in your insides.

“Okay.”

“How are things at home?” Doyoung asks over dinner, your schedules finally aligning with each other’s to make up for the time you bailed on him last minute. 

You swallow your noodles after munching on them, wiping your lips with a napkin, “Really good. Youngho’s doing great.” 

Doyoung nods with a smile, leaning across the table with a napkin between his fingers to wipe the corner of your lip which you had missed. Your eyes widen for a moment as he sits back in his seat, “That’s good. I haven’t seen him in a while. Maybe I should come and visit soon,” he replies casually, as if what he just did didn’t just throw you off the edge. 

You play it off with a smile, silently asking yourself if Doyoung did indeed expect more to come out of this friendship than you did. “Of course. He’d be thrilled to see you.” 

“What is he into these days? I should bring over a present while I'm at it.” 

You chuckle, the familiarity of Doyoung’s nature settling in again. “There’s no need Doie, you don’t have to get him anything.” 

Doyoung shrugs, “I want to. I want to win his heart over.” 

You raise a brow as you watch him take a big gulp of water in one go. He’s avoiding your eyes and it makes you suspect if those words were meant to come out or not, or if there was so much more laid hidden underneath them. You don’t want to assume anything, but Taeyong’s words keep eating at you and though you’ve considered asking Doyoung straight upfront, you always seem to find yourself deciding against it for fear of making it awkward between you two or even worse, losing a friend you really liked being around with. Doyoung was good company and the many times you’ve spent with each other was proof that he was a friend who supported you in all aspects of your life. 

But a part of you, the bigger part of you, can’t help but wish Taeyong was wrong. 

You decide to drop the subject when you see Doyoung shift uncomfortably in his seat. Dinner continues on like that, the both of you carrying on like he didn’t say what he just did, talking about little occurrences of your lives you hope the other would find interesting, maybe just to pass time and to ignore the elephant that’s sitting in the room. 

Doyoung drops you home like he always does, jogs over to the passenger seat to open the door for you so that you can exit his car. He does something different tonight though because you see him offering a hand out to you. It’s very Doyoung-like, you think and as you take his hand and step out of the car, you can’t help but feel his hand linger in yours, the seconds lasting too long for your liking, so you slowly pull away. 

You use your retracted hand to rub your arm, suddenly growing conscious under his gaze and he’s in the midst of opening his mouth to say something when the headlights of a car emerging from the distance shine directly into both of your visions. 

You see Johnny coming out of the driver’s seat not too long after he pulls the brakes and before he sees you both, he’s jogging over to the backseat. Youngho comes into view then as Johnny unbuckles him from his carseat and into his arms. Johnny smiles the second he sees you but the moment doesn’t last too long when he sees Doyoung beside you. 

“Mommy!” 

Youngho is asking to be put down and Johnny complies by setting him on the ground. The child zooms his way over to you, arms outstretched to greet you in a hug. Doyoung watches the whole thing unfold in front of him, a burst of questions running through his head when he gets a clearer view of Johnny walking towards where you both were. 

“My baby! I missed you!” you exclaim as soon as Youngho lands in your arms, hugging him tight as you lift him up. “Did you have fun today?” Youngho continues to hug you tight by the neck, melting your heart knowing that he had missed you as much as you missed him. 

“So much fun,” Youngho replies into your shoulder. You see Johnny standing in front of you and you shoot him a grateful smile. He returns it to you, a smile even bigger than yours. 

“Doyoung,” Johnny clears his throat. “It’s good to see you.” 

Doyoung blinks out of his daze. “J-Johnny. I didn’t expect to see you here.” 

You realise the situation then, mentally face palming yourself when you catch the knowing or teasing look in Johnny’s face that’s clearly directed at you with a crooked smile on his face. You shut your eyes to avoid his teasing gazes, remembering the night at the gala where you practically pretended it had been the first time you met him. 

“Mister Doie!” Youngho calls and he waves at him from your shoulder. 

Doyoung momentarily takes his eyes off Johnny to entertain Youngho who's now grinning at him and gazing at him with big wide eyes, smiling at the nickname. “Hey little one.” 

Growing too uncomfortable in the situation, you immediately try to get out of it. “Johnny, can you take Youngho inside first? I’ll follow after.” 

You’re not sure why Johnny’s grin is growing wider by the minute and you’re raising a confused brow at him when he takes Youngho from you. You fish your bag for your keys and when you find them, you give it to him, his smile still too prominent for your liking. 

“Baby I’ll see you in a bit okay?” 

“Okay mommy.” 

“Okay y/n.” 

You’re frowning at Johnny when he responds to your statement that was clearly directed to Youngho. Even Youngho is perplexed that he snaps his head to his dad, who appears to have no notion of what he had just said, his gaze still on you, too soft and too gentle, as if you had the entire world to gawk at right behind your back. But it was just you, frowning at him, and it was less likely that he’d be staring at Doyoung like that too. 

You make a face at him, your features taught as you silently signal him to take Youngho into the house. He blinks once, the smile never leaving his lips and finally tears his eyes off you to direct his attention to Doyoung who’s been watching silently this whole time with widened eyes. 

“Doyoung, I’ll get going first. I’ll see you at the office.” 

Johnny doesn't wait for a response and proceeds to walk away from the two of you with Youngho watching you from his shoulder. 

You laugh awkwardly to break the silence that lingers between you two when Johnny and Youngho are no longer in sight. Doyoung nods slowly, trying to make an understanding of the situation but no matter how many times he’s tried to come up with theories, none of them made sense. All he knows or assumes, is that you and Johnny had gotten very close since your first meeting at the gala, so much so that he’s even looking after your son now.

You know you’re not in any way, indebted to explain yourself, or the current situation, but you feel like you owe it to Doyoung anyway because if there was one thing with Doyoung, he had always been honest with you. 

“Hit me with it,” you say, facing him as you secretly brace for the worst. You’re not even sure why you’re nervous but the slight tremble at the tips of your fingers is enough to indicate that what you’d be talking about next will change your relationship with Doyoung forever. 

“Johnny?” 

You nod slowly, pursing your lips together. It wasn’t a full question, but the mere mention of the name was all it took for you to understand what he meant. 

“Johnny, he’s, he’s Youngho’s dad.” 

Doyoung’s already round eyes grow even more round, his mouth hanging agape in the process. Silence hangs in the air again and Doyoung’s blinking into nothing, as if trying to put the pieces together to form a coherent picture, but there were still too many information missing. 

“I thought you didn’t know each other?” Doyoung quizzes, brows knitting together in the middle. “At the gala?” 

You smile sheepishly, “Well you see, I was so stunned to see him there. I didn’t expect him to be there at all since it had been so long since we saw each other last, so when you introduced us... I really didn’t know what to say.” 

Doyoung blinks hard and shakes his head once as if to shake the confusion away from his head. He holds his palm up to you as a signal to give him a few minutes to comprehend so you press your lips together in a thin line. You wonder how much more information you’re going to have to give him and you ponder if it would even be necessary knowing that your current situation with Johnny had nothing to do with him or your friendship. 

“So... wait. Johnny told me he’d been in the States the past five years,” Doyoung trails off, finally looking at you again, his eyes still hazy with confusion. “Does that mean...” 

You nod to confirm his theory. “Johnny only found out about Youngho when he came back.”

Doyoung breathes a big chunk of air, his shoulders rising at the same time his chest does before he releases it through a sigh, slowly comprehending the situation. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks genuinely. 

You blink, the question taking you aback a little not because of the way he asked but because it was the last thing you thought he’d ever ask. “I didn’t really see any relevance in telling you.” And it sounds harsh, but it was true.

“Of course it’s relevant y/n!” You’re caught by surprise when he raises his voice slightly, the flinching of your body giving you away and when Doyoung sees this, he pauses to recollect himself. “Y/n- I-” 

“I like you, okay,” Doyoung admits quietly, lowering his head to the ground after. “I’m not sure if you could tell, but I've been trying to give you hints for the past two years we’ve known each other.” 

So Taeyong really was right. 

Youngho is the first person that pops in your mind. 

“Doie, I have a son.” 

Doyoung takes a step closer to you, “I know that. And it never mattered to me.” 

You feel your heart shatter because even before this very moment, even before Doyoung had to spell it out you, you already knew the answer and you knew it wasn’t going to change. 

“Doie-” 

“I know y/n, I know you don’t feel the same,” Doyoung cuts you off, a hint of dejection in his features under the moonlight. “I can feel it. But, if you’d just let me, if you’d just give me a chance.” 

Doyoung’s voice is delicately laced with a tinge desperation and you can’t bear to look at him longer because this was a side to him you didn’t want to see. 

“If you’d just give me a chance to change your mind.. That’s all I want.” 

As promised, Johnny is waiting outside the gates of your preschool with Youngho’s hand in his. Youngho waves at you energetically as soon as you come into view, exiting the building after what you felt to be a really long day. Thank God it was Friday and there was Youngho in the distance to welcome you to it. 

You exhale the biggest sigh of the day when Youngho greets you with a hug. His hugs always made everything better. You in your crouched position, relishing in the way Youngho’s small palms are patting your back gently, knowing you really liked it when he did so, for who knows how long until the fatigue from the day dissipates. 

“Rough day?” Johnny asks when you let go of Youngho and stand back up, extending his hand to you where you find a bottle of water. 

You take it from him, a smile lifting on your face, already feeling so much better and even better when you realise that he’s already left the cap of the bottle loose so that you didn’t have to struggle. “Yeah. I'm so happy it’s over.” 

Johnny smiles and studies you as you take a sip. “Do you want to go straight home then? Or would you be up for a little detour?” 

In all fairness, you were exhausted, but the sun is shining so nicely in the sky and the expectant glint in your son’s eyes makes it painfully difficult to deprive him of a Friday to remember rather than lounging at home. So you push past the tempting thoughts of rest. 

“Well what do you have on the agenda?” You tease with a grin. 

You watch in silence as he takes the bottle of water from your hand when he’s sure you’ve finished drinking and recaps it, taking it upon himself to also unlatch the strap of your bag from your shoulder, your belongings now firm in his palms. 

And you hate it.

Because you can’t help but compare the similar mannerisms to Doyoung. And can’t help but feel way more with Johnny. 

Johnny shrugs his shoulders, the boyish grin on his face reminding you of old times. “Not much. I was thinking ice cream. And a stroll in the park?” 

And you hate it again. Because you almost forgot that if there was anyone who knew you better than yourself, it would be Johnny, even better than Taeyong. And he knew, more than anyone else, how you took pleasure in little things, in simple hobbies that didn’t require much thought. 

“That sounds good,” you finally manage to utter after a flood of memories rush past. 

Johnny smiles and it reaches his eyes. 

And you hate it because under the sun, he looked absolutely breathtaking like this. 

Johnny pulls up to the same park he first met Youngho in. And as you both walk side by side one another, a wave of emotions hit him, watching Youngho lead the way with his ice cream in his hand, skipping along happily because looking back now, he and Youngho had come such a long way in such a short span of time. He can’t help but glance to his side where he finds you licking your ice cream quietly, the smile on your face a clear indication of your satisfaction. Johnny thinks that you’re the only reason why he’s gotten along so well with Youngho in the first place.

“Ice cream good?” Johnny asks, starting up a conversation first.

“So good,” you reply shortly, swiping your tongue across your lower lip. “Has ice cream always tasted this good?”

Johnny chuckles, redirecting his attention to his own ice cream. “So what was life in the States like?” You ask absentmindedly, trying to imagine his life there.

“Different,” Johnny replies curtly. “But good. There’s a lot to see there actually. I just didn’t have enough time to since the five years just revolved around the company.” He glances at you again as you train your eyes to Youngho who has now reached the gates of the playground. “But I know I prefer it here.”

You nod slowly, not noticing his gaze and what his words implied, too focused on keeping an eye on your son who’s busy gobbling his ice cream down as fast as he can so that he can finally entertain himself at the playground.

“That���s good,” you acknowledge, munching on your cone. “No place like home, yeah?”

Johnny knows he’s gazing at you for far too long and that any minute that you’d decide to turn to him, you’d catch him and maybe even the longing in his eyes but that was the last thing in his mind right now.

“Yeah.. no place like home.”

And you don’t catch that because Johnny at this point mumbled it to himself. 

“How did you and Doyoung meet?” 

Johnny anticipates your response, slightly fearful that he’d stepped over the line too soon. But he almost sees no change in your expression when you both sit down on a bench overlooking the playground after having finished your ice creams. 

“Two years ago, at a party, we had a common friend,” you answer, watching Youngho come down excitedly on the slide. 

Johnny finds himself nodding, memories of the encounter at your house replaying in his mind. And as if reading his mind, you turn your whole body towards him, your right leg bending up on the bench with your arm propped up on the backrest. “Speaking of, what was that all about the other night?” you ask curiously, narrowing your eyes at him. 

“What was all about what night?” Johnny asks innocently, avoiding your eyes by staring straight ahead even though he knew what you really meant. 

“That night when you met Doyoung,” you start. “Something was off with you.” 

“What did I do?” He asks again, finally turning his head to look at you. 

You shrug, struggling to describe his behaviour from that night. Was it all in your head? “I don’t know.. you were like.. really, um, smiley?” 

Johnny laughs for a second and you’re beginning to think that maybe it really was all in your imagination, that maybe you were beginning to be delusional. “You know what, forget it.” You turn away from him then, trying to distract yourself from what you just tried to confront. 

Johnny chuckles this time and you feel him scoot closer to you as you try your best not to be bothered. “Man, you’re still the sharp person I remember.”

You roll your eyes, crossing your arms across your chest. “Is that a compliment? Anyone could tell you were being weird Johnny.” 

Oh how he loved it when you said his name and hearing it coming from you makes it so hard for him not to smile even more when he’s trying to explain himself on a more serious note. 

You see him grinning from the corner of your eye, “You just can’t take me seriously, can you?” 

Johnny purses his lips in hopes of hiding his smile but it’s almost impossible when he sees you almost sulking like this. “Okay, I’m sorry.” He scoots even more closer to you, you can feel his shoulder bump against yours. “You want to know why I was behaving like I was that night?” 

“I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t.” 

Adorable, he thinks. 

Johnny finds Youngho amongst the children playing in the playground and smiles once again before answering, 

“Because I knew that I had so much more advantages than Doyoung.” 

You frown but don’t budge, “What does that even mean? You make it sound like it’s some sort of competition.” 

“It always is if it involves someone else liking you.” 

Johnny’s second guessing himself suddenly, wondering if he’d revealed too much in one day, or better yet, if he’d indirectly confessed something too early. 

“How did you know that?” 

“He told me.” 

“He did?”

“Yeah. He didn’t have to though, it was pretty obvious.” 

“I.. I only found out that night.” 

Johnny looks at you. “Really?” 

You nod slowly, Doyoung’s words replaying in your head. “Yeah. I didn’t know.. Taeyong had to tell me. It was only then that I started to think that maybe. Turns out Taeyong was right.” 

“Wow, and you’re still as dense as I remember you to be,” Johnny teases, grinning, staring straight ahead. 

You nudge him with your elbow, earning a laugh from him. “Hey, I’m not that dense. I just didn’t want to assume.”

Johnny pretends to roll his eyes, “Right.” He takes a breath, his smile slowly disappearing when a thought comes to mind. He runs a palm on his thigh and prepares himself to hear the answer to what he’s about to ask next. “Well, now that you know.. how do you feel about it?” 

You shrug again, uncrossing your arms and settling to play with your fingers, bringing your head low. “I don’t know. Me and Doyoung are friends.. And it’s just a bit more complicated with Youngho in the picture, though he said he didn’t mind.” You sigh when you remember the look on Doyoung’s face, “He said he just wanted a chance, that’s it.” 

A gush of wind blows and it carries the momentary silence with it. 

“Are you going to give it to him?” 

You turn to look at Johnny who’s already staring at you. 

“I don’t know.”

It’s a Tuesday evening when you begin to worry about Youngho. Having left work immediately to pick up your child, you find him weak and pale by the nurse’s office of his school. Youngho has just vomited for the fourth time since coming home and thought he insists he’s feeling okay, he certainly didn’t look it. 

Youngho was definitely stubborn, just like his dad.

When the evening deepens into the night, you stay with Youngho in his bedroom, keeping a close eye on him and keeping supplies close in case he needed to empty his system again. He’s half conscious and you break at the sight of him so weak and so helpless. You come to a conclusion to bring him to the hospital if he didn’t feel any better soon. 

Youngho opens his eye slowly and takes off the damp towel resting on his forehead, “Mommy, toilet.” 

You’re quick to draw back his covers and place his slippers by his feet. “How are you feeling ranger?” 

“A little better,” he croaks but you’re not convinced. 

You let Youngho lead the way and decide to grab a fresh shirt from his closet before following him closely. Not even a second passes that you briefly take your eyes off of him, you hear a thud in the distance and scream for his name when you find him unconscious on the floor. You try not to panic but that’s impossible to do when Youngho isn’t responding to your calls, when he isn’t opening his eyes no matter how vigorously you shake him in your arms. Youngho is sweating and his peripheries are cold to touch. You scoop him completely in your arms and bolt right outside your front door. 

Your hands are shaking as you strap him to his seat, too unconscious to even keep his head upright and you’re trying so hard not to cry at the sight of him. You shut his door once he’s secure and you’re scrambling for the driver’s seat. You fish your phone out of your pocket and dial the first number you see through the blur of your vision. You wipe your eyes aggressively with the back of your free hand as you wait for your call to be answered and as soon as it is, you spare no time. 

“Y/n?”

“Youngho passed out. I’m bringing him to the hospital.”  

You’re fully crying by the time you reach the emergency room, watching helplessly as the doctors wheel your son away from you. And you follow them blindly until you can no longer proceed once they pull the curtains around his designated cubicle. The worst possible scenarios come to mind and no matter how hard you try to block them out, you begin to think that you’ve lacked as a mother, blaming yourself for this very situation. 

“Y/n!” 

You turn and see Doyoung entering the emergency department, a sigh of relief leaving you at the comforting sight of someone familiar. He grabs a hold of your arms as soon as he reaches you and you know he’s trying to calm you down. 

“Take a deep breath, tell me what happened.” 

Your breathing is staggering and there’s huge droplets of tears falling down your cheeks, but you try your best follow Doyoung’s instructions, “Youngho, he, he wasn’t feeling well all day. He vomited the whole evening and he passed out thirty minutes ago—“

“Okay okay y/n,” Doyoung tries to match his breathing with yours so that he can train you to slow down with him, his grip on your arms firm and eyes trained straight into yours. “I need you to calm down for me. Youngho is going to be okay, you’ve brought him to the right place. He’ll be okay.” 

“Doie what if—“ 

“Shh, he’s going to be okay.” 

And true enough, Youngho was okay. You watch him by his bedside, sleeping soundly, a needle dug into his arm with fluids infusing into his vein. He looks a lot better, with the colour returning to his face and his hands now warm to touch. He didn’t look like he was in pain anymore and you’re tugging at his covers to make sure he’s warm. Youngho’s room is quiet, having been transferred to his own room after clearing the emergency room an hour after arrival. While Doyoung is out to buy some food, your hear the door slide open behind you and Johnny emerges from behind it. 

Another wave of relief washes over you at the sight of him and you stand immediately from your seat. You smile weakly at him and he tries to do the same but to no avail, switching his gaze from you to Youngho. 

“What happened?” He whispers, examining Youngho when he reaches the side of the bed. 

“Gastroenteritis the doctor said. He was vomiting all night because of it and the reason why he passed out was because of dehydration,” you reply in a low voice to not wake your son. “They said he’ll be okay.” 

Johnny nods but his jaw remains tight. He should be relieved, he knows he should be, after all his son was okay, but there’s a sour taste in his mouth and an even bigger thought eating him alive.

“Y/n, can we talk outside?” 

Johnny’s voice is emotionless and his eyes are empty from where you’re watching him. You’re unsure but you agree anyway, fully convinced nothing would be as scary as the initial conversation you had with him when he found out he was Youngho’s dad. 

When you slide the door closed behind you, you’re met by Johnny who’s in the midst of turning to face you. The long corridor is desolate and quiet and it somehow matches the way Johnny is gazing at you with empty eyes. There was definitely something wrong. He hasn’t smiled the moment he set foot here and you kind of wished you hadn’t picked on him for being so smiley that night, preferring that side of him way more than the one you're facing now. He looks sad and somewhat.. lost. 

“Why didn’t you call me?” 

“What?” 

“Why didn’t you call me?” Johnny repeats again, this time a little bit louder but his expression unchanging. “Why is it that I had to find out from Taeyong that you brought Youngho to the hospital?” 

Oh. 

“Johnny no-” 

“And why is it that I met Doyoung on the way here?” He cuts you off and you silently watch him slowly becoming worked up, huffing every breath now and shoulders rising and falling with each one. 

That’s when you see it. The utter disappointment in his eyes. 

“Was he...” Johnny’s voice is quiet all of a sudden. “Was he the first person you called?” 

You feel the extreme need to explain yourself because you realise then what Johnny was implying at and you feel so guilty it makes you sick to the stomach. “Yes but- Johnny let me explain.” 

Johnny remains silent and just stares at you. You take this as your cue to continue. 

“I panicked okay. I didn't know what to do. And Doyoung’s number was the first one on my phone and I called him on a whim because I just wanted someone to know.. I just wanted someone with me because I was so scared.” 

“And you didn’t think of me even for a second?” Johnny asks, the hurt too evident in his low voice it makes you choke. Your eyes are already swollen from earlier but you feel another batch of tears threatening to fall. How many times do you have to hurt Johnny until you finally get it right?

“Y/n, Youngho is my son,” Johnny reiterates. 

You nod in defeat, biting your lower lip. “I know I know. I’m really sorry.” 

Johnny sighs, bringing his head low, “Is this it? Do you choose him?” 

You frown slightly. “Choose?” 

Johnny takes a step closer to you and you heart beats erratically in anticipation. His eyes are focused on your hand and when he finally takes it in his, you feel all of the hairs on your skin stand because not only were his fingers cold from being outside, but also because Johnny’s touch always had that same effect on you. 

He looks up at you again, eyes sad and features worn. 

“I don’t want you to have to tell me go away again,” he says lowly, his voice delicate, eyes revealing broken pieces of him. “Y/n..” 

“I want you to choose me this time and ask me to stay.” 

[moonlightwinterdxxix]

MOONLIGHTWINTERDXXIX! Ready for another request attack!? 🤣 I'm here for Sutabaa Zaimoku identity shenanigans the SEQUEL! 😎✨ Somehow Kara's weird nice guy habits had actually worked?! He got on the good side of a visiting Sutabaa's overseas higher up by sheer luck and when they arrive to Sutabaa for whataver they mistaken Totty as Kara. Will Totty abuse this chance for nepotism to rise from his janitor position? Or will customer Kara unexpectedly arrive in all his glory and threaten this ruse?!

@yisongye For #make Karamatsu smile—the Bullied boys now have time to shine outside TVV xD

For those who are new, this is the continuation of this fic here.

~~~

Leaving its slanted position from the angle it was creating from the floor, Todomatsu raised the mop vertically and glared. “Stop laughing.”

“Pfft...! Okay, first you told me to stop talking,” Atsushi confirmed through snorts, shoulders rocking, “now you want me to stop laughing. What do you want me to actually do, Todomatsu? Make up your mind.”

“Leave. Go home. I don’t want you in here anymore. You’re making it a billion times worse.”

“Alright, come on. This is the thing, Todomatsu,” Atsushi said, resting his elbows on the table and raising a smug eyebrow that made Todomatsu want to punch his face so badly. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if you were being casual. Just a casual joe that’s cleaning tables, mopping the floors, doing his job, basically. But wearing your brother’s tacky sunglasses while working is what made you a sight more painful than him himself.”

“It’s his fault this all happened!” Todomatsu exclaimed, spreading a hand. “You have absolutely no idea what he said to the manager, and if you did...! If you were in my shoes, you’ll live with embarrassment for the rest of your life! He told me everything! I didn’t even want to wake up the next day after what he told me!”

“You’re overreacting,” Atsushi said, taking a sip from his latte. “I’m sure it wasn’t so bad. If he was pretending to be you, he couldn’t have possibly broken character enough that he’d make you look like a painful—”

“Then the sun, that glorious sun! Oh, it was the rose’s guardian angel, sending it a spirit for life and the will to fight forward! Oh, and it would now attract all the butterflies that followed a path so similar to it’s!” Todomatsu mimicked, posing with Karamatsu’s flair and voicing the lines with the lowest his voice can drop. Dramatically.

Atsushi burst out laughing.

“H-Hey! Shut up!”

“You’re right! It’s embarrassing!” Atsushi guffawed.

“Oh, wait until then!” Todomatsu snapped, resuming his work as he cleanly ridded the spot where a baby had spilt its mother’s drink. “The time will come when the same humiliation will happen to you. Don’t think that just because you have money and riches your life will be all fine and dandy. I promise that you will find failure soon. Just you wait.”

“Ooh, scary,” Atsushi drawled. “Doesn’t help that you’re wearing his glasses though. Why are you even doing that? To hide your identity? Everyone in the Ward knows of that face belonging to a sextuplet NEET, Todomatsu. That does nothing to your case.”

“Better safe than sorry. It’s better than having my own identity out in the world. Have Karamatsu instead—he’s the one most associated with failure.” He blew a raspberry, rolling his eyes. “You’ll eat your words soon, dumbbell,” Todomatsu vowed, grabbing a water bottle from his belt and spraying the floor. “I swear to Cod, you’ll eat your words and—”

“Todomatsu Matsuno?”

Someone suddenly was in front of the employees’ door of the establishment against the wall, and both Todomatsu and Atsushi were stunned to find a beautiful girl standing there, her eyes shining like those of the universe, all planets aligned and the sun at its brightest.

She had long, wavy brown hair that touched all the way to her waist, a bangs that brushed her eyebrows before parting at the sides, overlapping her ears. She had a large bust, which grabbed their eyes, but she also had long legs that they could see through her khaki pants. A notepad peeped out of the apron of her Sutabaa work uniform.

“Todomatsu Matsuno?” the girl echoed, smiling faintly, almost relieved. “Was that you? Oh, I never thought I’d actually see you! I heard snippets of your interview the other day, and I didn’t think I would be able to see you again. Anyway, I think I need to introduce myself formally to you. My name’s Sen. And I’m gonna be a co-worker of yours for the entire month.”

Todomatsu did nothing else but look at her, cheeks reddening as the sunglasses went askew on his nose.

“I’m the Sutabaa manager from Paris, see? But still a Japanese native,” the girl—Sen, went on. “I recently decided to take a trip back to Japan so I can see how the employees do their tasks here. And I was just in time too. A made a recent notice of the lack of appeal in customer service and entertainment, but I can associate the opposite of that with the fanfaronade you put on. At least, what I just heard right now and the other day. I assume that really was your interview, wasn’t it?”

“Y...Yeah,” Todomatsu breathed.

“Great! Because I think I might be considering lifting your position off being a janitor if that was the case,” Sen told them, taking out her notepad and pen. Her fingernails were decorated with fancied stickers of the Eiffel Tower. “With your flow of words, we might be able to attract more customers to the establishment. Imagine being talked about as that cashier man with a Shakespearean dictionary in his vocabulary. Wouldn’t that spark interest?”

No. Yes? Perhaps? Todomatsu didn’t think a Karamatsu persona would’ve sparked any interest from anyone or anything? Not even an ant’s or a cockroach’s.

And yet...If this meant not being a janitor anymore...

“Of course, only if you don’t mind,” Sen said, jutting down on her notebook. “If you aren’t willing to act so in front of customers, we won’t force you too. But your gentlemanly manner when you speak might make some progress in this building when it comes to getting people to come. It’s a suggestion I’ve already spoken to your main manager about. Now I want to ask you! Are you willing to do it, Todomatsu-san?”

“E-Eh?!” Atsushi squeaked, and Todomatsu continued to stare at her.

Then he blinked beneath the sunglasses. Then his lungs refilled with air, and his imagination lit up with his proud-to-behold Todomatsu Matsuno wisdom. He smirked, transferred the mop to his other hand, using his free one to touch his hairline with two fingers. “Of course, my dear! And I’d be happy to perform more Shakespearean might you give me the opportunity to! After all, I am Todomatsu Matsuno, master of the fine art, a man of theatre through-and-through!”

“Oh!” Sen expressed (cutely to the mens’ eyes), eyebrows rising.

“EEEHHH?!! O-Oi! Todomatsu! What the hell are you doing?!” Atsushi demanded, rising slightly from his chair.

Dropping the mop, Todomatsu slid over to Sen, a finger-gun following the shape of his jaw as he grinned narcissistically. “My, what ever is the problem, Atsushi? Can you not see that I’m being as normal as I can be? I am flattered by this woman’s suggestion, and all I want is to make her feel welcome in these crowded, sorrowful Tokyo streets. You are quite a foreigner yourself, in a way, are you not, sweetheart?” He knelt down, grabbed her hand. “I apologize for the inconvenience, dear. You make my heart melt.” He kissed her hand—it was so soft. Like, so, so soft that it was impossible for something to be that soft.

She chuckled.

Atsushi sputtered.

And Todomatsu wanted to as well. Because he wanted to scream so badly and yank his soul out of his body for the stupid idea he had concocted. Because...Because...BECAUSE LOOK AT THIS! He was posing with that stupid grin of his stupid brother while wearing those stupid glasses and was talking in that stupid accent all because Karamatsu had ruined Todomatsu’s chances for work with a stupid mistake because of his stupid brain and—!

Okay, keep it together, Todomatsu. Look on the bright side. He was a janitor, he was cursed with this hex of Satan since the day Karamatsu left the womb. And this was unacceptable, more than being a baby brother that everyone looked down on! This woman...She could change that. Hell, she could turn him from a lowlife into the manager himself! If Todomatsu followed her guidelines, matched her standards, made himself the appealing man she wanted to view...Yes, this was going to be his debut as the boss of his own life!

And so what if Karamatsu was the key to that?! Karamatsu was the key to success, and no one cared for Karamatsu’s own failure! These NEETs were selfish bastards after all!

Heck, Todomatsu was that desperate! Yes! Yes! But he didn’t care, for everyday he was already dying with the thirst for change! Change in his life, change in his pathetic, why-am-I-alive existence! He had no friends—only acquaintances who would never stay longer than twenty minutes! His life was littered with five matching levels of garbage, sharing his bed and face that made him look as terrible as them! But he wasn’t! And he wasn’t going to be defined like that any freaking more!

Yes! Hell yes! This was the true form of this Todomatsu-sama, the one who will be the first of his NEETy brothers to find love alongside work! So what if he was a cursed janitor?! He was an official graduate from the status that had once colored him at the bottom of the caste system, and this woman was going to be his diploma! Hell yes, he won!

And there was even a plus. This girl was into this, and if he continued this painful persona he might have a chance to actually keep her. No more virginity for this youngest dirty monster, because he was going to be able to smash her and make her his by acting his part as the best boyfriend she could ask for! So what if she was a princess?! A lady of romance and theatrics and the arts?! She was still an unattainable woman who any of these stupid NEETs would pine for for ages! Lifetimes! A keeper to the max despite maybe bad taste in vocabulary, but that was besides the point!

Todomatsu could keep her. Hell, he can keep her. If he was this perfect cashier, he can keep her. Beat the hell out of his brothers, and become the true role model that Choromatsu and Osomatsu were far from being! All because he was a loser, therefore there was no one else he could grab! Because Iyayo and Chibimi were plastic dolls and Kinko was a woman of true culture...Because Totoko hated them like scum and Homura was in love with someone else...!

Hell yeah, there was so much he could gain, this baby demon of the Matsuno hellhole...All he needed to do now was act the part. Act the part.

What would Karamatsu say, and how can it be said for this woman’s attraction? Hm, he needed to summon his inner Karamatsu, if there even was one. Because just like the rest of his brothers, having an inner Karamatsu was like saying that they had a tree growing over their heads. It was impossible. Because having an inner Karamatsu was one of the things they as NEETs did not want to have.

But this woman. She wanted a Karamatsu.

Todomatsu smirked. Fine. For her, he’ll play the part.

“Have you always been a theatrical one, Todomatsu-san?” Sen asked, tucking a few collective strands of hair behind her ear after hiding her notebook and pen again. “Or is this a new thing after graduating?”

Hmm, how was he going to answer this? Should he be honest and tell her that the only thing he’s ever done involving theatre was dunk bird turd on someone’s script, or should he go with the Karamatsu flow and tell her that acting has always been a hobby since the day he could walk? What would this woman want to hear? Todomatsu pondered, forced his brain cells to click and tick and turn their gears...Hmm...

Then—

Todomatsu posed, raising an arm and bending another. “I had no plan!” he announced.

Sen’s mouth formed a tiny circle. Atsushi face-palmed.

“Heh, I’ve always went with the flow of my own wind, dear beautiful Sen,” Todomatsu enumerated smoothly, dropping the octaves of his voice, which wasn’t so hard. He was already gifted to have a deep voice whenever he yelled (something Choromatsu once mentioned to him, that rising, fapping loser), and so mimicking Karamatsu’s original tone wasn’t that difficult as an activity. That, and this woman had never met Karamatsu in person, so he had the safety of a thousand nets and trampolines to catch his sky-high fall.

“Theatrical arts, drama, cherry blossoms in the wind, a heart of blue.” Oh god, Todomatsu wanted to slap himself so hard, wanted to slice his tongue with a cleaver and haul it into the mouth of hell. Speaking Karamatsu was speaking the language of agony. If this was what being the childhood best friend of Karamatsu resulted in, then maybe it was better if none of that ever happened at all. “It was my mind, cured with the peacefulness of my being, that opened my existence in a fantasy worth exploring. The unknown. Skies and trees that breathe the air of purity that is being wiped from this earth. It tears my soul and rips my being into shreds.”

Atsushi snorted, turning away. That goon, Todomatsu was gonna deal with him later.

“Ooh, how poetic,” Sen commented, her hair bouncing as she tilted her head. “How did you gather your vocabulary?”

How did Karamatsu gather his vocabulary? How did Karamatsu gather his vocabulary? HOW DID KARAMATSU GATHER HIS VOCABULARY? When they were freaking kids, Karamatsu wasn’t even able to determine the differences between ‘limbs’ and ‘limbo’! How the hell did he come from that turd of an idiot into a man with a dictionary built into his throat?!

“Heh, by being myself,” Todomatsu answered painfully, trying not to reach over to wipe the sweat pooling behind his ears and running down his nape. “I’m a natural at my strengths, the best of my kind. Because I’m a loner, but at the same time I have my own hands to support me might I fall. Heh, I’m a tower of storms.”

“You definitely are. Very destructive too,” Atsushi chortled, eyes directed elsewhere but the killer’s promise of a glare on Todomatsu’s face.

“Wait a minute,” Sen said, a finger touching those beautiful lips of hers. “Todomatsu-san, have I seen you before? I thought you looked familiar and remembered that I saw someone looking like you yesterday. Were you at the park yesterday taking a swim in the river dressed in a yellow baseball uniform?”

Todomatsu flinched so hard that his soul felt like it had just poked the waves of an ocean made of lava. “No, that wasn’t me! It was a stranger, surely! I hate baseball, always have!”

“Only since today,” Atsushi muttered. Todomatsu was internally sending him two of his middle fingers which tips had holes for bullets.

“But the other day, I thought I saw you too?” Sen asked. “Wearing red this time. Playing at Pachinko? And you had a very large bruise on your face while you left the parlor crying. I assume you lost the gamble after getting into a fight?”

Shit! Damn you, Osomatsu! “Nope! Pachinko is not my turf in the slightest!” Todomatsu lied, puffing out his chest because he felt like deflating into an airless blob of rubber.

“Yet you won yesterday,” Atsushi stated quietly behind his hand.

“And also, in the mixer? I saw someone in pink looking like you leave it recently,” Sen followed up, crossing her arms. “Well, not to defy you or anything, but are you the mixer type really, Todomatsu-san? With your flair and all, your humble personality, I don’t think you need a mixer to determine your acquaintances and your friends.”

“Heh, fret not, my queen,” Todomatsu schmoozed, wanting to stab himself for each ‘heh’ he had to gag out. “This man here is still as packed with friends as a man can be.” Which was half true and half lie. Todomatsu was one with peers, but Karamatsu was a member of the trash gang. Meaning, friends were flies, and peers were the dirty streets that only cats were willing to walk because they too were stupid enough not to understand anything in life.

Sorry not sorry, Ichimatsu.

“Oh, alright then,” Sen said, then bowed. “I guess I was just thinking about your successful interview too much then.”

“Oh, it is quite fine,” Todomatsu fibbed, planting very sweaty hands against his hips. “I am alone in my features—there’s no one else like me at all. If there was, it’s probably a doppelgänger signaling death that looms over me. Therefore I am the one and only, Sen-chan. Todomatsu Matsuno.”

Atsushi turned away, shoulders shaking.

Sen chuckled. “If you say so, mister Matsuno. So, are you up for it, Todomatsu-san? Would you accept my invitation to be a cashier instead of a janitor?”

“Yes, my sweet! I am glad to oblige!” Todomatsu hollered, spreading out his arms. “I shall prepare myself for all the hi’s and hello’s I can offer to any passersby for this fine establishment! Give the word and I shall motion with the swift energy of lightning!” Smirking painfully, he posed, spreading his legs out, resting one of his elbows over his other hand, and he flicked his bangs before sending Sen a finger gun. “Like lightning. Bang.” He inched his fingertip.

Atsushi exploded into full-on laughter.

“Alright then,” Sen said, nervously cutting Atsushi a look as she slowly retreated into the staff room. “I’ll let them know, so wait here. Let me make the arrangements for you, alright?”

“Heh. You are the true Samaritan, dearest Sen,” Todomatsu gritted out with the flawless character of his brother.

Then waving, Sen closed the door behind her.

Todomatsu snapped.

“What the hell is wrong with you, you turd-hole?!” he yelled, gripping Atsushi’s dark collar and shaking him with the mercy of a madman. “Stop making me look as transparent as I already am! It’s bad enough that I need to be that stupid-as-hell brother in order to win back my pride, moron! And don’t question how I can impersonate the goon, and I too want to straight-up murder my past self for ever thinking that being friends with that painful Shittymatsu was a good idea! So shut the hell up!”

“Yo, Totty!” Atsushi called out, still smiling through the force shoving him back and forth. “Why didn’t you just tell her no? You don’t have to put up a Karamatsu everyday if you don’t want to! Be a janitor in freedom! It’s still worth it!”

“And let myself still look like an effing NEET in the process?! Not a chance!” Todomatsu fumed, releasing Atsushi and pouting, folding his arms. “You won’t understand. You have everything already. Why not just be a comrade and let me have this? I know it sucks and it hurts and it’s painful as fu—!” Pausing, he doubled over, and he vomited a waterfall of glitters onto the floor. The Karamatsu was really getting into him.

“I’m not telling you anything,” Atsushi said, shrugging casually as Todomatsu straightened up again, wiping his lips. “If you want to or not, it’s your choice. You’re the only one balancing on your own lifeline. Each choice you make affects you, and there’s no one else that can do anything about it.”

“Meh, I guess that’s true.” Finally, Todomatsu had the urge to pull Karamatsu’s sunglasses off his face to look at. Just the blue of them reflecting the light from the restaurant made him want to snap them and toss them out into the Bermuda Triangle. “Still though. If it makes me get more than what I already have, Imma be up for the challenge. Time to be Karamatsu-niisan.” He returned the shades. “I dunno how long I can pull this off—if I do at all.”

Atsushi snorted. “Wish you luck. How long you can keep this up will color me curious as well.”

~~~

One week. It was one entire week of painful dialogue and flamboyant posing. It was one week with Todomatsu being responsible for those awful sunglasses that Karamatsu had been looking for whenever they came back home after days under Akatsuka Ward’s sun. It was one week of heh’s and hm’s, and each time Todomatsu wanted to throw a fit and dump on a table the same way Ichimatsu would. He was angry, he was embarrassed, he just wanted to end his suffering with a knife to the chest or whatever lame shtick.

“You’re doing great, Todomatsu-san,” Sen would tell him, and it was kind of true. Customers did seem very satisfied with Karamatsu’s dialogue floating to their ears, and it made Todomatsu question humanity in its intelligence. It was either he was dumb or the world was dumb, and he voted for the latter due to his excessive pride. That, and he needed reassurance of something, because working as a cashier mimicking his older brother didn’t deduce the NEETiness he felt like was still sewn into his system.

He didn’t answer any questions from anyone else though. If it were Aida and Sachiko that were close by in their shifts, Todomatsu would be able to cut away the sheets of Karamatsu’s ghost long enough for him to be normal, the same Todomatsu ‘Totty’ Matsuno that the two baristas knew. As for his brothers, he was always mopey when taking orders from them if they ever came, and they always left Sutabaa with knowledge only on the purchased drink rather than the persona that broke loose with other customers. Todomatsu was glad of the stupidity of Jyushimatsu and the lack of comment from Ichimatsu.

And then...The day came.

“One strawberry latte for Nishimiya,” Sen announced, scribbling the name on a large cup with a black marker.

“Heh. Blueberry cheesecake for Shimizu,” Todomatsu added, wanting to let a large portion of glittery vomit escape his throat again. “Kindly help yourselves to table four, my dear. You wait there for the meantime—your hunger will be satisfied momentarily.” He lowered his sunglasses, winking. And when the customer smiled at him in appreciation, it was obvious she didn’t notice how much pressure Todomatsu had to put into his muscles just to make himself appear his way.

“Right, Totty, right?” Sen left the table, handing the cup to him. “I’ll be on my break now. Can I leave it to you?”

“Heh. If that may assist thy fatigue, I’d be willing to move mountains for you.” Shoot, shoot, SHOOT! Just kill him already, Akatsuka-sensei so he didn’t have to do this bullhooey anymore! But this ‘bullhooey’ seemed to deem him fine for now as Sen bobbed her head, entering himself into the opposite room as she closed her door.

The bell above the Sutabaa entrance chimed.

A sigh.

Time stopped for Todomatsu, and for a moment there was nothing he could do but transform into a frozen block of ice. But his recovery was swift, and before notice Todomatsu took off his sunglasses as a pair of leather-sleeved elbows propped themselves on the counter.

“Good morning, Todomatsu,” Karamatsu said, smiling sadly at his brother. Sadly? Why sadly? Shoot, that meant he was going to blow up into painful monologuing territory that will be sure to either end his life, or Todomatsu’s. Bullsh—“I’d just want a coffee, please. Extra sugar, maybe?” Karamatsu went on, devoid of joy.

Todomatsu gulped. “Ah, right. Wh...Why are you here, Karamatsu-niisan?” His gaze darted through the area, hoping for no familiar faces to question him and his conversation with his lookalike brother. Thank goodness the timing had Sen leaving for a while before anything else bad could happen, because Todomatsu swore to Cod, bad stuff was indeed going to happen.

“Need a little time to think, perhaps?” Karamatsu said, lowering his own blue sunglasses. It was a fun thought, Todomatsu imagined, to continuously rid Karamatsu of any of his glasses by breaking them in half or tossing them into a gorge, but a spare would always find themselves on his face the following day. Wonder how many he had tucked in their closet? His entire allowance, most likely. No wonder he has only his 10% chances of winning in pachinko.

Karamatsu continued, “Because there was this very beautiful woman, and for a while I might’ve called her mine, but...” He gripped his elbows with opposite hands, fingers sinking into his sleeves, “she rejected my confession,” he squeezed out.

Todomatsu remained unfazed. Alright. So? Todomatsu didn’t give a dang about Karamatsu’s tragic love story. “So you thought that coming here to mope would be a good idea? Why not just follow Osomatsu-niisan in Pachinko or go fishing with Choromatsu-niisan?”

“Heh. They had their own activities planned for this lonely afternoon,” Karamatsu told him, and Todomatsu felt the horror of old English penetrating through him. “And is it wrong that I wanted to spend time with my dear littlest brother? I missed days where we trekked the world solo. I guessed that maybe time with him again would lift my soul from the pits in where it has fallen into. Crammed with skeletons...O-Oh, Totty! My heart is weeping, my brother!” He extended his arms and tightened them around Todomatsu, pulling the younger man towards him before sobbing on his shoulder.

Todomatsu went rigid, praying to everyone in the skies listening not to have anyone barge in during this absolutely humiliating moment of Todomatsu’s probable fall from grace.

“And she was a delicate flower too!” Karamatsu wept, clinging to Todomatsu with all his might. Cod, the counter edge was digging into Todomatsu’s stomach...! “Beautiful and compassionate and oh! Such an ideal diamond, brother! And yet I was not anything to her!” He wailed, breathing jagged as he mashed his face onto Todomatsu’s collar, letting it absorb his misery.

“Ugh! Keep it down, Shittymatsu!” Todomatsu hissed, prepping his hands over Karamatsu’s chest in preparation to push him away. “I’m at work, for crying out loud! And what kind of idiot customer walks up to the cashier to cry? Are you that stupid?”

Thankfully preserving the need for Todomatsu to do the deed himself, Karamatsu released his younger brother, leveling Todomatsu’s gaze with confusion setting as the emotion in his tear-filled eyes. “Umm...Cashier? I thought you were a janitor?”

Oh, Cod-damn it. Todomatsu cringed. Karamatsu didn’t know yet, couldn’t know, will never ever know...! If he knew who knew what kind of shtick Todomatsu will have to put up with and what kind of life he will forever be living with regret and—!

The staff room door opened. “Totty! I think I forgot my wallet here and—” Sen paused, staring at the brothers before flinching. “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t think there was a customer! Please, carry on, sir! You...!” Her eyebrows furrowed as she trailed off, gears clicking in her head. “...look exactly like Totty. Are you brothers? And he’s got a leather jacket and...Huh?”

Karamatsu blinked, thick brows curved questioningly. “Yes, I’m his brother. And are you...? Totty, are you alright, my dear brother?”

Holy crap! Cod, crap-crap-crap! Todomatsu felt his blood run dry. “Ah, yeah! Karamatsu! Sen-chan! I, um, heh!” He suddenly grabbed Karamatsu’s wrist and dragged him off, not waiting for anything else as he led Karamatsu out the Sutabaa door and outside the building to its side. Behind a wall, where no one sale might see them. Might. Because no one important was going to need glancing at a pair of brothers that looked closest to being members of slavery in the caste system.

Which they were, mind you. But not Todomatsu, if Karamatsu decided not to screw things up.

“Huh? Todomatsu, what’s going on?” Karamatsu asked as Todomatsu parted his grip on Karamatsu, massaging his temper and tingling veins for tranquility that didn’t want to come.

“Look. I can explain some other time, but for now, just effing follow my lead, got it, niisan?” Todomatsu ordered lowly, cautious for stares. Sen, the manager, Aida, Sachiko, or any of their foolish brothers. “I am the cool one, you’re the same loser as you always were. Picture yourself when you were eighteen, or just think about your heartbreak. You’re a goner from life. And you have no idea how to speak with your normal, flashy speech patterns.”

Karamatsu was nothing but confused. “Eh?”

Scoffing irritably, Todomatsu snatched the glasses from Karamatsu’s face and put them on himself, then proceeded to take off Karamatsu’s leather jacket from his brother’s body. That stupid shirt had the painful man’s face on it...! Alright, he can find a way around that. All he needed to do was be creative. Karamatsu was already an actor of some sort, so there was no need to...! Bah! Freaking heck with it! Making up stories was never difficult when you grew up as a liar!

Todomatsu flipped the leather jacket over his own shoulders and lifted his chin at Karamatsu.

“Todomatsu?” Sen called out. “Are you two over here?”

Just in time. Todomatsu elbowed Karamatsu’s gut, and after a grunt from him, Todomatsu said, “Follow. My. Lead. Or I’m going to burn all of your clothes before you even blink again.”

“Eh? Uh, ‘kay,” Karamatsu hesitantly agreed.

“Totty? Ah, there you two are.” Sen made herself visible as she stepped out of the corner turn. And being able to now see them openly, she stopped walking, for good reason. “Um, is this a bad time?”

“No, not at all,” Todomatsu said, speaking with an impression of his brother as he tried to wave a hand with dismissal. Cod, he could already smell the cologne. “It’s my brother here. It’s not much, but I find it quite unruly of him to root through my clothing without my permission. I’m just trying to set him straight for it again. Apologies, Sen-chan.”

“Eh?!” Karamatsu half-gasped, only faltering when he saw the stiletto aimed at him in Todomatsu’s glare. “Ah, yeah, sorry about that,” he said lightly, timidly. “I was, uh...Going through a phase? I wanted to be, uh, like him.” He pointed at Todomatsu limitedly. Todomatsu jerked his head slightly. Doing great, you lame actor. Karamatsu-niisan.

“Ah, I don’t think I should be here then,” Sen amended, backing away from them with a light flush and an apologetic smile. “If this is something personal, the last thing I want to do is walk in on your talk.”

“Heh, we’re fine, my dear. Kindly decrease your pressure on our situation,” Todomatsu soothed in a baritone, Karamatsu’s jaw lowering beside him as his eyes dilated. “We will report back to the main cafe shortly. My brother here, must only receive a brief scolding. We will be fine, such as we always can be. Right, my dear brother Karamatsu?”

Karamatsu sniffed, taking his palms to the corners of his eyes. “Cod, you’ve adapted so much...!” he sniveled proudly, and defeatedly, to Sen’s ears. “I’m so proud of you, Totty!”

Todomatsu felt a vein bob under his skin. When they were alone, he was going to kill this man.

But for the meantime, he said, “Oh, do not weep, brother! Forgiveness is always a virtue in our bloodline! I will not hold your prejudices against you! Instead, come into my arms as I will blanket you with comfort that will leave you spellbound in my affection!” And as much as he didn’t want to do it, Todomatsu spread out his arms, which were immediately touching not the air anymore but Karamatsu as he threw himself against Todomatsu’s chest.

“You sound like me! I’m so happy!” Karamatsu cried, though gratefully softly enough for Sen not to hear.

“Can it, niisan,” Todomatsu hissed in reply. “If you mess up the act none of us will be able to walk this earth again without regret dragging our ankles. Just continue being this emotional and we’ll be fine. Make me look cool here.”

“Okay, brother. I...Wait...If you’re acting like me and telling me to make you look cool...” Karamatsu hiccuped. “Does that mean you think I’m cool?” he sobbed out desperately.

Todomatsu choked, his entire body warming as his face fell red. “N-No! You’re not cool! There’s a reason for all of this and I—!”

“I’ll just leave now,” Sen said, wagging her hand as her shoes planted themselves on the ground behind her. “You two sort yourselves out. I’ll be glad to cover you for a bit, Totty, if you need time to settle things out.”

“Your heart truly was mantled from Hephaestus’s golden chamber,” Todomatsu rasped, his body and mind matted with sequins on wounds.

Karamatsu buried his head in deeper, squeezing Todomatsu tighter as Sen dipped her head and vanished from sight. Only then did Todomatsu grind his teeth together and shove Karamatsu off him, making the older man stumble back and catch himself by a pillar, blinking wetly at Todomatsu.

“Okay, enough,” Todomatsu said tersely, eyelids weighing down unamused as his arms interlaced parallel to his torso. “Karamatsu-niisan, can you please not tell anyone of this, ever? I’m gonna tell you everything, but swear to me that all this is to be kept between us. If anything comes out, your head will be what our brothers will see at the dinner table later tonight.”

“Of course! If there’s a secret, I promise of sealed lips that I would take with me to my tombstone!” Karamatsu vowed, a fist connecting to his left breast. “Reveal all you need to, my brother! I await your words.”

“Cod, that’s so painful,” Todomatsu wheezed, then cleared his throat afterwards, lowering the sunglasses for solid eye contact. “I was given the chance to become a cashier because they thought I was you. Or at least, you were me, but I think you might have an idea. They really liked your speaking patterns from the interview, and wanted that to be the first thing that customers heard when entering Sutabaa. So assuming I was you, and wanting to rise from a crappy janitor, I pretended to be you so that I can achieve that higher position. It’s my rise in the caste system, honestly. It’s all I ever wanted.”

“T...Totty...” Karamatsu breathed.

“Iya-ya, it’s not much,” Todomatsu promised, gesturing for emphasis. “But I thought it was the only shot I got. I understood you enough that it wasn’t really hard to be like you, so that was the least of my problems. But of course, it was painful as hell, since the entire week had me trying to be someone I’m not. I guess I...I...” Then the realization, for the first time, hit him, and he wrinkled the leather jacket in his hands, smacked it to the ground, and turned to walk away.

But then there was a hand clamping around his wrist, and Karamatsu had stopped Todomatsu from going any further with his promising hold. “Oi. You aren’t going without finishing that sentence, Todomatsu,” he said sternly.

“They like you more than me,” Todomatsu spat out brokenly.

Karamatsu’s reply was his muteness.

“Think about it, niisan. If it were just you trying to be me before, it would’ve landed me as nothing but a plain old janitor if nothing at all,” Todomatsu blabbered, a finger pushing up the shades as he averted his gaze to his feet. “But when you broke into you, I got the chance of being a cashier again. And now the only reason I’m keeping the job is because I’ve been trying to be you. If I were being me, what would I even be contributing to society? Nothing. Maybe that’s why I lost the job in the first place.”

Karamatsu was still holding him firmly.

“Never mind. I’m babbling nonsense you won’t understand. Sorry, Karamatsu-niisan.” Todomatsu used his free hand to rescue his eyes from the blue lenses that were casting his surroundings in aqua. Then he took Karamatsu’s other hand and pressed their surface on them, securing his fake identity with its true owner once again. “I’ll just return to work now. Pretend that you finally won over me so that they don’t ask why I’m me instead of you.”

“Totty.”

Todomatsu exhaled softly. “Hm?”

“Is that why my glasses have been disappearing all week?”

“...yes.”

“So I guess...It’s best you have your own pair, right?” Karamatsu chuckled, handing back his sunglasses. “You still need to pretend to be me, right? And I still need to pretend to be someone else?”

Todomatsu inclined his head, surprise painting him. “Eh? What do you mean? I’m giving you back your identity, you dimwit, trying to live with mine. Are you so agreeing that it’s better I fake myself instead? Is that how much I suck to you?”

“Far, Todomatsu,” Karamatsu stated steadily. “It’s because I learned before that you can learn when you pretend to be someone else. By being in someone else’s shoes, you come to realize how much there is to love about yourself. Is that not true? Is my painful personality not something you cannot stand? It is, and that’s why you even think of yourself as better than me. The last thing I want is you to think of yourself so lowly because of my accomplishments.

“Todomatsu, you were sick the day I came to the interview as you. But remember, that was the second interview. Sutabaa managed to accept you once, and was willing to do so again after you dropped out when we humiliated you. If they had seen you for who you truly were, then I’m certain that they would still be ready to welcome you again as the real Todomatsu Matsuno as you are.”

“Then...Why did you want to give me these...?” Todomatsu gasped out, trailing his thumbs over the dark blue lenses of the shades.

“I wanted to teach you that lesson,” Karamatsu said, shrugging casually with a small smirk. “But I just explained the mechanics in my agenda, so there’s no use for that now. I think it’s best you just return to Sutabaa again as yourself instead of a clone of me. Because, brother. You’re surprisingly good at it.”

“Gee, thanks,” Todomatsu said, his heart finally softening free from whatever claws had once gripped it. “I’m sorry I threw your jacket like that.”

“There’s always the laundry. Don’t worry about that.” Karamatsu laughed. “Come now, brother. I still have my coffee in the waiting, do I not? Please treat your brother to something to warm his insides from the Antarctica waters in which it has drowned.”

“Ugh, fine,” Todomatsu said, but not harshly, before looking down at the shades. “Are these really mine now though? I think they match your face better than mine. And I think they will miss you if they were gone.” Grinning, he hung the sunglasses from Karamatsu’s top, then stood back with satisfaction, hands pressed to his waist.

“Heh. Thank you, Todomatsu,” Karamatsu said, chuckling.

Then together, they went back to the entrance of Sutabaa, opening the door as Todomatsu cried out, “Sen-chan! We’re back! And we have a coffee pending for—!”

“Oh hey, you two!” Osomatsu greeted, hands in the pocket of his hoodie as he stood in front of the counter, Sen at the other side. “I was actually gonna ask where you were, Karamatsu! I heard you were working here in Sutabaa and I was curious to know if it was true!”

Todomatsu and Karamatsu gaped in unison. “Eh?!”

“But I guess I was wrong,” Osomatsu said, rubbing his nose with a finger. “Totty’s wearing the uniform. Now you make me wanna ask about the rumors: why was I hearing of a Sutabaa cashier who uses Karamatsu slang every time he gets an order? I didn’t wanna believe it, and I still don’t, but maybe I should be realizing that since it’s both of you involved! Of course Totty would have the best impersonation other than Jyushimatsu—you two were besties as kids, right? So it’s safe to say that you were looking up to Karamatsu for a while, Totty!” Osomatsu laughed.

Todomatsu’s stomach coiled. “B-But—!”

“Is that true, Todomatsu-san?” Sen asked, frowning a little.

“It’s gotta be, right?” Osomatsu continued. “Totty would do anything to get what he wants. If being a ‘Karamatsu’ would help him in his salary, then he’d do it. Just like he’d lie to other Sutabaa employees that he was from a university so big when all he was was a NEET. It’s simple—he’s a demon for a reason.”

“Wait,” Sen said, frown deepening. “Does this mean that it wasn’t Todomatsu at the interview? But Karamatsu?”

“Hah? Totty never went to any interview,” Osomatsu exposed obliviously, unaware of the jaws on the floor from the two brothers standing next to him. “Ha-ha! Sen-chan, right? You’re making me laugh here! Don’t tell me you mistook Karamatsu for Totty! I mean, I might, but they’re brothers, so identity thief shenanigans is a thing and so cheating is not hard!”

Sen stared. So did Karamatsu. Todomatsu felt his entire body burn into ashes.

~~~

Todomatsu’s butt slammed on the sidewalk from the force of the hands that had previously shoved him out of the building.

Karamatsu immediately went to his side. “Totty! Wh-What did they tell you, my brother?”

Todomatsu clicked his tongue. “I got fired.”

Karamatsu’s face fell.

“Welp, all in a day’s work, right?” Osomatsu said, spinning his heels and going ahead. “Hey, I won a bit in pachinko, by the way. Wanna try using that in some of the races? We might get half as much if I use my detective brain again to read between the lines!” He laughed. “Just like I did with you two idiots.”

Todomatsu ground his teeth. He really was surrounded by demons.

[sunsetcurve]

oh, we’re not promised tomorrow

Summary: They’d been twelve and sitting on the castle's rooftop at twilight, and he'd told her the story like he'd recited it by heart. His father had unknowingly killed a witch's familiar on a hunting trip. In retaliation, she'd placed a curse on him—his firstborn child would die before his twenty-first birthday. Henry’s parents had searched tirelessly for a cure, but the closest they could find was this: a crystal from Guardian Lake, which would protect him from harm until its magic ran out. 

This, it turns out, happens sooner than they thought it would.

Fandom: Henry Danger

Relationships: Henry Hart/Charlotte Page-Bolton

Word Count: 2,477

A/N: oh man, i’ve been sitting on this idea for way too long. this was incredibly fun to write, but also very very difficult because it does get pretty angsty. rated T for death, swearing, blood (it’s not graphic i promise). the title is from the song “like i’m gonna lose you”. hope you enjoy!

Dedications: as always, please please please don’t feel any pressure to read this! i know life gets crazy. also, if you want to be tagged/untagged in the future, just let me know! @rorythevambire @up-the-tube @mychenrymadness @ciara-knightly @cactus-con @henryhearts @henry-p-fart @taylorswiftrulestheworld @bijerbear @just-a-j-reallly @shadows-and-starlight

* * *

She should've seen this coming.

To be honest, Charlotte's never really been good at making predictions; that was always her mother's forte. She's tried to make sense of the wisping smoke in crystal balls and the tea leaves at the bottom of her cup more times than she can count, but it's only ever left her confused and frustrated.

Other types of magic actually make sense. There's a comforting sort of precision in having to memorize the pronunciation of a spell perfectly in order to get it to work, or having to carefully measure every ingredient in a potion to keep it from ending in total disaster (that's happened to Charlotte more than a few times, but she's always said that failure is the best learning tool anyway). But fortune-telling? Cards, astrology, dream-speak? She's never really understood it.

Still, though. There were other signs that pointed in this direction, ones that were far less mystical, far more real. She just didn't see them.

It's a collection of small things, really, clustered together in the past couple of weeks. They're moments that are easy to brush off at the time, especially with Henry's insistence that it's nothing, he's okay, he's always fine.

He comes back from knight training once with blood trailing from his nose, even though no one's laid a hand on him. He stumbles in the hallway and sways like he's going to pass out, and then brushes her off by saying he's just tired. He has dizzy spells, and she tells herself to believe him when he says that there's just "something going around", even though she hasn't seen it herself, even though none of the health potions she slips into his morning goblets seem to be working. He's fine, she convinces herself. They're isolated incidents. It's nothing.

And it's easy to pretend that's the truth, up until the moment his legs give out from underneath him.

"Henry!" Charlotte cries out, and her knees hit the stone floor just moments after his do. She puts her hand on his shoulder, steadying him, while the other comes up to cup his cheek and he's cold, cold like the crisp autumn air outside and the hard grey stone beneath them.

"I'm fine," he sort of says, sort of wheezes—his breath comes stumbling out in a tight, choked gasp, and then he's coughing and there's a splatter of scarlet in front of them.

Something in her chest clenches. "Bullshit," she hisses, and he coughs more in response and the pieces start to come into place and align like the planets and she hates it, wishes she could chalk this all up to something, anything else, but there's something thrumming in the back of her mind that knows she can't ignore it anymore.

"Show me your necklace." Her voice is soft but tight, more so than she intends it to be, and maybe that's why he doesn't argue, just fumbles with the leather cord around his neck and brings the pendant out from where it's tucked under his shirt.

She remembers the first day he'd shown it to her. They’d been twelve and sitting on the castle's rooftop at twilight, and he'd told her the story like he'd recited it by heart. His father had unknowingly killed a witch's familiar on a hunting trip. In retaliation, she'd placed a curse on him—his firstborn child would die before his twenty-first birthday. Henry’s parents had searched tirelessly for a cure, but the closest they could find was this: a crystal from Guardian Lake, which would protect him from harm until its magic ran out.

The white stone comes to rest next to his heart. A sharp inhale passes through Charlotte's lips, and she reaches out to brush her fingers against it while her heart plummets. The gem's soft glow has faded into nothing, and now it sits dull on the end of the necklace.

"The protection charm was supposed to last until you were eighteen," she says, quiet. "We were supposed to have more time."

Henry's laugh is mirthless, somewhere in between bitter and exhausted. "Yeah, I guess we're fresh out. Unless you've got a time spell hidden somewhere?"

There are three things that sorcerers are never supposed to tamper with: love, death, and time. She knows he's not asking, but right now, Charlotte thinks she'd break every rule if it meant saving him.

"Can you walk?" she says, urgent, and he lets her pull him to his feet and sort of staggers, but doesn't fall. She takes his hand and tugs him behind her, trying not to move too fast for him while her entire body tells her to go.

It's slow, too slow, but they make it down the hallway and reach her study and she helps Henry sit down in her chair as she starts tugging books off the shelves and rifling through the pages. With a wave of her hand, they float in the air around her, circling her as she scrambles through them one by one. She's been trying to decipher the solution to this stupid curse ever since the day he told her about it, so there's sections in her books that are marked off, places with notes scrawled in the margins. There's the haphazard beginnings of something that could've panned out, if only she'd had more time. She was supposed to have more time.

The tension is hot and stinging beneath her skin. She tosses novels behind her to fall to the floor, pages splayed open and bent against the ground and maybe in any other moment she'd care about the state of them but right now it doesn't matter. All she cares about is the fact that Henry's breathing is becoming more labored by the second, and she should've seen this coming and now there's no time to fix this—

"Char," he says softly behind her, and her hands quiver hard enough that all the floating books drop in a ring at her feet. "It's okay.”

She bites the inside of her cheek and whirls around before she can stop herself. "Don't say that!" she snaps. "There's nothing about this that's okay! You're not—I'm not going to let you die like this, Henry Hart, I'm not—"

"Look, it's over. There's nothing left." He sounds defeated. His gaze darts from the shelves to the ceiling, anywhere but to hers, and she wishes that he'd yell, or cry or scream or something, but instead he's just sitting there with his brown eyes huge and soft and resigned.

Her shoulders are tight, her jaw clenched so hard it hurts. "How can you be so calm about this?" she demands.

"Because I have to be!" he says sharply, and stands up unsteadily with his hands tugging through his hair, fingers mussing it up even further and tightening around the dusty gold locks. "Because I'm fucking terrified but I can't—I have to—I've had this curse on me since I was born, Char, and I've always known this was coming and I told myself that I wasn't gonna fall apart when it did, I can't do that—"

"There's still time," she presses, the desperation plain in her voice. "I can find something, we can still find a way—"

He looks at her with the tear tracks on his face glittering in the low light of the candles, and he reaches out a hand to take hers. "There's no way out of this," he says, and her chest tightens. "You know that."

"No." She tugs her hand away from his with her lungs and her eyes and her whole body burning, and she thinks maybe this is what it feels like when the world ends and all the stars fall from the sky.

She's crying, then, sobs that cascade out of her and shake her chest and Henry's arms are around her and they're both sinking slowly to the floor. His fingers are gentle as they tangle in her hair, and even like this, the irony of it isn't lost on her—he's the one dying, and yet he's holding her in his arms as she breaks. It's part of who Henry is, though; a guardian, a protector, with or without a suit of armor.

Fuck, she needs him here, she can't do this—

Henry takes a stuttering breath, and when Charlotte looks up his eyes are screwed shut, a crimson trickle coming from the corner of his mouth. "Char," he starts, all the steadiness from his tone slowly fading now, "I need you to...Piper, Jasper...my parents, Ray, and-and Schwoz..." he hesitates, and his eyelids flutter open and she wonders fleetingly when the colors became so dim. "Can you just tell them? Please?”

The words stick in her throat. His eyes are urgent, searching, but she can't, she can't accept that he's going to—no. "There's still time," she breathes again, and tries and tries and fails to hide the break in her voice as she helps him lay down and cards her fingers through his hair. "You can tell them yourself."

Charlotte reaches for the spellbook closest to her, rifles through it like somehow, it'll hold the key. There's a piece of her that knows it's useless, but she's doing her very fucking best to shove that piece down as far as possible. She doesn't need that right now. She doesn't need Henry looking at her like it's hopeless, like he's dead already, she doesn't need to cry anymore, what she needs is a cure. "There has to be a way," she says, mutters like she's trying to convince herself more than anyone else. "There has to."

Henry's fingers brush against hers gently, lace themselves through the gaps. "It's okay," he breathes. "Char, it's gonna be okay."

"No, I can't lose you. Henry, you're my best friend, you're—you're everything, please, you can't—" He can't. She needs him. She can't do this without him; she needs his smile and his stupid jokes and his laugh that sounds like a clear summer day, she needs the way his eyes blaze when he's passionate about something and the kindness of his heart and she needs him here, with her, she can't—

The realization hits her at the same moment that his last breath leaves his body, and she thinks that this is the cruelest joke that fate could've played.

"I love you, Henry."

The words tumble from her lips to spill over the stone floor, and then she's breaking and breaking and the world around her is falling to pieces because he's gone and she loves him, she's always loved him she—

She loves him.

Holy shit, Charlotte loves Henry. And there's one thing that can break any curse, reverse any spell. There's one thing that breaks the laws of magic entirely and can even bring people back from the dead, one thing that can save him.

True love's kiss.

Her mind whirs. True love is rare, but more powerful than anything else. If this is it, then it could work. But only if Henry loves her back. Only if whatever they have between them is real.

Please, she thinks, squeezing her eyes shut, wiping the tears away from her face. This is her last chance, her only chance, at bringing him back. If it doesn't work—

No. No time to dwell on that now; she shuts that possibility away in a mental box and tosses away the key. Charlotte has to believe this will work, or else the world will end all over again. She's going to get him back.

She takes a deep breath and leans over Henry, her fingers brushing against his cold, cold cheek, running through his soft, familiar hair. In that moment, she knows her feelings are true. She loves him. It’s just a question of whether he feels the same way.

"Come back to me, Hen," she breathes softly, and then slowly, gently, desperately, presses her lips to his.

There's a pause that makes her feel as though the universe is holding its breath. But there’s no gust of wind, no chorus of angels, no flash of light—for a moment, there’s just nothing.

Her lungs twist together, her throat closing up as it gets harder and harder to breathe. Please—

And then, "Char?"

Her breath catches as his eyelids flutter open. His brown eyes meet hers, full of color once again, and she feels a laugh bubble up in her throat and throws her arms around him as he pushes himself up.

"You're alive," she says into his shoulder, her hand tucking itself in between them so she can find his heartbeat and feel it thrumming softly in his chest. She follows its steady rhythm, reminding herself that he’s alive, that that’s his heart beating underneath her fingertips, that he’s okay.

"You did it," he laughs a little, that same sound like a clear summer day, and she grips him tighter and wonders if she'll ever get tired of hearing it. "How did you do it?"

There's a beat of hesitation, and then Charlotte pulls back a little, one arm still hooked over his shoulder and the other hand coming up to cup his cheek. It's warm, now, no trace of the chill left behind except the memory. She pauses, and then looks him in the eyes with an earnest gaze. "True love's kiss," she says.

He falters for a moment. His eyes search her expression, like he’s waiting for her to say she’s joking. “True love’s—you—you love me?"

"Idiot," she replies, with a fondness in her chest that she knows she'll never get rid of. "Yes, I love you, Henry Hart."

She'll remember the look on his face for years to come: he smiles like the fucking sun, bright and warm and beautiful, his eyes huge and flickering with light. "I love you too, Charlotte Page-Bolton," he breathes, and there's a moment that seems to Charlotte like the world is on hold, like the third rule of sorcery has been broken and time has stopped, and they just take it in.

"And," Henry says then, and his smile turns sly at the edges. "If you'll let me, I'd like to kiss you while I'm conscious this time."

Charlotte lifts an eyebrow. "On one condition," she replies swiftly, and his expression turns curious.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

She hooks a finger in his collar. "Don't ever. Die on me again."

"Deal," he says, and then shoves his lips against hers, and Charlotte runs her fingers through his hair and thinks fleetingly that they should stay like this forever. This time, it feels like she's the one coming to life all over again; it's bold and bright and wonderful, and honestly?

She can see why true love's kiss is so fucking magical.

[byebyechloe]

So I’ve been contemplating writing this for awhile...

about.... let’s see, I need to do the math.

we broke up January 15th.

Then we talked until, what would you say? the third Monday of February?

Yes, February 18th. I remember that night well. It shook me to the core, that's when our break up... really began to be our break. up. 

but then let me throw this at you. this low low low LOW number.

18 days. (That’s how many days you had me blocked. I’m assuming... if not less. I accidentally came up on that realization one day. So who knows.)

I took the ballsy choice of adding you back on snap, being subtle. you added me back the same night, and thats when it all began again. 

well... kinda, took us until, when? probably like 2 Fridays later? I slid into your texts to tell you about a artist I liked and thought you’d vibe too. Ironically, you already fucked with him too. 

Then that next weekend I gave you the entire snapchat tour of the 2nd Ben Rector concert we didn't attend together, but this one we had planned too...

and then I think... the next Friday is when I took a huge risk on my mental health and dropped sam off at Julies and off I was! back to the place in the middle of the damn trees, just to spend a night with you again, that I thought would just be a random hook up, and then we’d just let it all go again. but no.

I left that bed with plans to be back the next weekend, and then plans to hangout when you moved home for the “short” time you had planned before “moving away back east”, that ended up being an entire summer, and you ended up being A LOT closer than you planned when you did finally move away again in October. But this moving away didn’t happen of course, until after another big “I'm sick of you!” argument from us both (after an ironically, perfect Saturday with you. I still think about that night. so cute and romantic in the weirdest, not romantic way.) and then we talked on and off for another time. this was a little longer than 18 days, but wasn’t longer than 3 weeks. And you were back around, and I was stronger alone, but so was my strong belief in the damn signs I've been getting the last fucking YEAR of us doing this ~thing~ of ours from the big guy up there (imagine me pointing, yanno me, i’m an awkward bitch who points, bet you can imagine my torn up nails too. you always remind me to stop biting them. thanks for that.)

Oh.. yeah, hey, happy 1 year of crossing paths (again, if you count the years we didn’t really /know/ each other, but were in the same friend circle... somehow. idk.) and taking away my right to say “i’ve never fallen inlove like for real for real!” (my words, not society’s.) 

But yeah, when I sit here and type, I realize I won’t get as much out as I will whenever you give me the chance to say it all out loud (if you could be /so/ kind), but let me get to my favorite part of the last 365 days.

I’ll start with the fact that... that night.... I almost cancelled on you 3 fucking times. This was before I caught on to God’s lessons that he embedded in our encounter and friendship. Now I see this was his small beginning and it was with the fact that we both come from two different lives and backgrounds, that being symbolized by the fact that I usually eat dinner at like... 5 pm. and you are a more 7 pm guy. By 6:30 I was not only hangry, but beginning to let my anxiety and trust issues from my past start to creep in. “He is really gonna pull this? after 3 weeks of us talking? AND its the day before my birthday? how rude.” I thought. I even told my friends twice I wanted to drop the date, and they both said to do what made me happy. But yanno what I did that I never do? especially in that season of life I was in? (this was “fuck guys, none of them deserve me anyway) phase, by the way. I’m still in it, but you’re an exception.)

I just said... “no. I’ll give him 10 more minutes”.... three times. But yanno what?

It was the best decision I ever fucking made in my ENTIRE life. (other than that one time we... yanno... had sex for (my) the first time (ours together). Sorry but I mean you saw this coming right?) 

You kept me talking and laughing from the moment I walked out of my front door that night... all the way until, well, that night we broke up in January. Yet, I think you still made me giggle a few times before we finally hung the 3 hour phone call up. 

OH! Our first date was November 15th, 2018. Crazy... we broke up literally... 2 months after our first date. That’s super weird. This isn’t the first time that dates have aligned like that in my life. It’s whatever, ANYWAY. 

Back to the story! So. Yeah. Best night of my life. seriously. Going out with you that night was the best decision I ever made. It was so fun and sweet and carefree and I was so happy. 

Bro-- you make me /SO/ fucking happy.

 Even after all the shit we’ve gone through, I’d still pick you over any guy on this damn planet, and that says a lot about me considering you’re very deep into your “bachelor szn” of life right now. Which I’m happy af for you for, that is a sick time of life, and you deserve to live it. I just appreciate you keeping me around for the nights you want someone to hold and kiss and watch movies with. (the dinner was an added bonus, and very sexy. so keep it up for me pls. I promise I will reciprocate my thanks.)

But anyway. The 1st date, it was the night I think God sealed the deal of the whole “you’re gonna fall inlove with this guy when y'all kiss” thing. I never really believed in that shit, partly bc I hated hallmark movies and hated the entire feeling of love after what I thought I knew from my last big relationship before you, but I was so wrong.

I still think about our first kiss a lot, and I hate to admit that because I am not that OOZY with love and emotions. But I do. And I never realized that was the night I fell in love with you, I realized that the last night you and I stayed at Julie and Camden’s... yanno before you met some new girl and started seeing her like 3-4 nights a week? yeah same. I wasn’t a complete mess though, I worked on school and fell in love with the art of teaching, so that was cool. But yeah. That night. You and I literally had so many nights like it this summer, but, yet, THAT night is when I was trying to fall asleep and the memory of our first date was like “yo what up bitch time to relive this day again.”

and I did. and it was amazing. and then when it got to that kissing part (Sam was so annoyed by us, I think. I don’t really remember. it was THAT good of a kiss my dude.) I really realized that is when I began to believe in the fact that a man could possibly love me, or care for me, or just like me again. I was so happy. 

I have learned so many lessons from this whole 365 days (and counting) experience. Let me explain.

- be patient. (THIS was the biggest and hardest one, and its ongoing. I want to say I’m doing better.) I've had to really stop myself from getting upset and remind myself, “God wouldn’t keep him around in my life like this if he didn’t have a reason too.” He’d give me all the signs to leave. I’m not too blind to look at both sides, I just see more promise in the good side than to be dramatic and listen to the bad side. I see dedication and hard work on the good side. 

- be trusting. (Now I know you get me when I say, trust issues take up your whole damn life. Maybe not as much anymore because we both are/have gone through the stage of life where you learn “people only take as much as you give. So give a little at a time.” which is what your doing now, and is what I learned to start doing... then I met you and ended up dumping all my trust into you. but not in the way you may think, it has taken this entire year for me too. so you’re welcome). I have really started seeing how much I trust you, and how much you deserve it. But I won’t lie and say there aren’t times you don’t deserve me, and I KNOW that. But I refrain from screaming it at you, because.... what is that going to help at this point? The time isn’t here yet, if it ever comes, but if it does, you’ll know I’ve waited to say it, followed up with the whole hearted reason I never let it be why I gave up, because I never will give up on you.*

* When you and I started dating (11...24...18.... yeah. you get why I put it in numbers, right?) You told me in text that night to not give up on you, because you’re still young and still learning. I said I understood and wouldn’t, because you made me (and still do) the happiest girl on this earth. no cap, boo. You also said it and say it almost every time you are drunk and next to me in bed. “Don’t give up on me baby. please.” and my most favorite time, which was Christmas, “Don’t give up on me baby and I swear, I’m going to make our life together so damn great.” and yanno? I still believe it. and Always will. (scouts honor, boo.)

- Be understanding. (This one is gonna get deep.) So, I know, most movies will show you a girl who is a friend of the girl in love, or the guy who is the best best friend of the guy who is also in love tell one of the two that they need to just man up and say how they feel to the other one, even if that other one doesn’t want to believe it. Or better yet, tell the person THEY don't see how inlove they are with a person. Now I won’t sit here and act like I haven’t wished I could come across you with the desire in my heart to just tell you “don’t you see how fucking perfect we are for eachother?” because thats not realistic. That would of pushed me away from any man (and actually has before) who said it to me. SO WHY would I ever try to make someone push you to believe it? Let alone myself? You will realize it yourself someday, or maybe a friend will notice it and mention it to you, but I won’t ever be the one to tell you I think you are dumb for not seeing our potential. I’m fine with waiting until you figure it out. As far behind as you are in the feelings and independence stage in life... emotionally... I am in the independence and living stage... physically. We just did things backwards. 

This is getting long (if it wasn’t a surprise) but...

I love you, boo. I always will, and apparently have since the first night you took me to chilis. So let’s just say this has been a wild year, but I can’t wait for the rest of the others. 

Have fun with whatever/whoever you’re doing, Hope to see ya soon and get my face wash back that I “forgot” two weeks ago.

love, 

your future wifey, hehe. ;)

jk.

love always, Chloe. (or when you like to make me mad, Coco.)

[elletromil]

The Offering - Part 1 of ?

So I saw this post yesterday, and no chill that I am, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking what if Eggsy was such a spirit and that Merlin and Harry, with their busy lives, kept feeding him unknowingly? And Eggsy would get caught on in their lives and relationship that way?  I shared the thought with @insanereddragon and then had to write it just because.

So yeah, here’s the first part, hope you enjoy :)

The offering - Part 1

Wandering the mortals planes aren't dangerous to Eggsy's kind, but it can take its toll if he's not careful.

Not that he's been reckless, but when his body wanders, so does his mind, and he lost all sense of time and space for a too long moment and now he feels wary to his core. It's nothing that cannot be easily remedied, but first he would have to cross back to his own dimension, and that takes more energy than he feels like expending.

Instead, he finally stops his directionless travelling, taking in his surrounding with curiosity. He's in a human den for what he can see, the colors of its walls warm to his eyes, comforting even. What holds his interest however is the decoration, a myriad of lifeless butterflies encased in transparent glass. He hadn't known humans were prone to the same impulse as his kind had, to make trophies out of lesser forms? The thought is fleeting, wavering in his mind like the steam slowly rising from the cup of tea abandoned on the table. In an instant he is besides it, both much bigger than the porcelain recipient and much smaller. With effort, he makes himself the perfect size to simply wrap himself around the warmth, letting it seep into his body with something that could have been contentment. Emotions on the human plane are weird and plentiful. Eggsy isn't used to them yet, at least not enough to recognize them within seconds of feeling them. Still, it is pleasant and he curls up a bit tighter around the offering left to his intention, feasting on the smell of jasmine and hurry. The stars are shining bright for him if he wandered in a place where humans still remember respect of the Elder kind. Crossing back to his dimension is easy after he's taken everything that he can from the offering and he swears on the great void to come back and pay his debt to his host as soon as possible.

*

Eggsy comes back to the human den to pay off his debt as soon as he can. He’s unsure how long it has been on the mortal planes, as he know that mortals have a different relation to time than his kind does. They try to tame it to their purpose, to render it to a countable measure. As if time had any other master than itself.

But no matter that, as he wanders through the rooms in the bright darkness of the mortals’ night, the atmosphere around him is practically the same as when he left. For once, his guess seems to have been good.

Though there is a notable difference this time, as he can feel two mortal presences above him and he follows their energy curiously up the stairs.

Before he can find them however, he stops in front of an open door. Instead of satisfying his curiosity, he accepts the silent invitation and steps into safety eagerly, taking in the memories hung onto the wall, fluttering between them lazily.

He finds it strange that swirls of worry, pain, horror and anger would be kept inside what is an even safer haven than the rest of the den, but then again, humans are strange. Though he doesn’t think they will mind if he disperses the swirls, waving them away, disrupting the lines of conflict and resentment until only tranquility and understanding is left drifting through the den.

There, his debt is paid in full. The humans here are going to be free from Nightmares for many of their planet’s rotations, the little terrors having nothing left to feed on. Eggsy is now free to wander again, completely unbond.

As he leaves the memories, he spots a cup of tea left for his attention on the edge of the desk. It’s… Unexpected. In the mortals’ current age, he’s never heard of an offering being left for the Elder kind more than once.

He doesn’t have to accept it of course, doesn’t even need it this time.

But he cannot stop himself, doesn’t really want to.

He curls around the porcelain like he did the last time, soaking up the warmth, savouring the taste of lemongrass and caring. That last is a first for him and he lets it rolls inside of him, finding that he quite like the way it settles softly into his core.

This time, he doesn’t swear on anything that he will be back. Nothing could keep him away from a third visit.

*

The mortal planes always have attracted Eggsy, and even if he continues to wander them aimlessly more often than any of his kind, he always stops by the human den before going back to his dimension now.

He thought the offerings would stop, but there is a new one waiting for him each and every time. At first, they seemed to have no rhyme nor reason, but now that he’s lost count of all the time he’s lounged inside the protective walls, he’s figured a vague sense to the mortals’ logic.

Early sunlight means jasmine and hurry and porcelain so hot it would be scalding to any other kind of being.

Starless nights means lemongrass and caring and porcelain that has lost nearly all its warmth.

Cloudy days means ginger and laziness and a lingering warmth that seems to engulf all of his being.

Lightning means roses and closeness and a sharp heat that stings pleasantly.

Snow means peppermint and wonder and a warmth he can carry to his own dimension.

There are a few more, but those are the ones that comes back the most often, the ones he truly favors.

In exchange, he untangles any lingering emotions and keep the Nightmares at bay. Chases any other beings of mischief, even when they only threaten the integrity of the den. He cannot really understand his humans attachment to it, but he knows that to them, it is safety, protection, caring, tranquility and joy. It’s for the last one he fiercely defends the den, because he likes how it bubbles inside of him until it threatens to spill out.

He helps with smaller things too. He directs the vegetation his humans keep inside into pleasing designs and urges them to grow greener and bigger. Cajoles them into blooming at every turn. He makes sure the insects in the house keep in order, that they do not try to overthrow their hierarchy. He insures his humans’ sustenance will keep good until they are ready to consume it.

Sometimes, he wants to do more, but for that he would need physicality in the mortal planes and while it isn’t beyond his reach, he simply cannot be bothered by it.

Anyway, if the offerings are to be trusted, his humans must believe his little services more than adequate. And so for now, he contents himself with filling the den with his presence whenever he can and watching over his humans at their weakest when the moon is high in their planet’s sky.

*

There’s more than the cup of tea waiting for him today and for a worrying moment, Eggsy feels like he’s outside of time and space, unbound from the only constant of his kind. Fortunately, the fear knocks him back into alignment, but that leaves him looking at the second offering even more warily.

He knows what it is, for having scene his humans nimble on them with contentment on cloudy days, while they drink their own cup of ginger and laziness, but he’s never known mortals to offer scones to the Elder kind. Or any kind of food for that matter.

Not that it would be hard for Eggsy to feast on its essence like he does the tea, but he cannot help but wonder how it would feel if he were to consume it in a physical form like the mortals do. To eat it. To let the physical components break down into energy that would sustain him.

Without even really thinking about it, he molds his body so that it resembles a human and takes a few steps nearer the table, until only his mind is connected to the great void. He stares at his reaching hand for a time, his physical hand, before he grabs the warm offering. The scones is hot in his palm, but in a physical form, he cannot soak up its warmth in quite the same way as usual. His hand gets warmer yes, but that’s the extent of it.

It’s… weird, but not unpleasant.

Carefully, he brings it to his mouth and takes his first bite ever.

The flavor of bergamot explodes on his taste buds, nearly overwhelming him and it’s a good thing he took such a small bite. Awkwardly, he chew on it like he’s seen his humans do, try to recognize all the other flavors he now realises are entwined with the bergamot, but it’s a bit hard to do it while keeping control of a form he’s not used to.

So he cheats a little and he can feel his lips stretch in what he thinks is called a smile when he tastes bergamot, patience and, more importantly, love.

He has to sit down on the ground as he relishes in the last one, feeling it expand in his chest, tingle in his fingertips, warm him to his core.

How the mortals can feel such powerful emotions all the time without losing their grip on their plane of existence he doesn’t know, but he won’t ever make the mistake of thinking them lesser ever again.

Different, yes, but that’s not a bad thing.

[frogsagainandagain]

favorite lyric from every fob song

i’m so sorry this is so long please skip this is mainly for me to be able to reference

*songs with incredible lyrics throughout that it was extra hard to choose one or two

honorable mention:  and maybe next time/i’ll remember not to tell you something stupid like I’ll never leave your side

calm before the storm:  you said, between your smiles and regrets: “don’t say it’s over.”

switchblades and infidelity:  walking out on the show is walking out on you/and walking out on you’s still the best thing that I ever did.

pretty in punk:  well I’ve seen your boyfriend/and i don’t think he treats you right/but that’s none of my business is it?

growing up*:  i’ve dried my eyes, now it’s “rushmore”/i’m deep with futures like chicago/no, glenview never meant a thing to me/she never meant a thing to me

the world’s not waiting (for five tired boys in a broken down van):  we’re all “hasbeens” and “never-were’s”

short, fast and loud: good god i wish i was tall

moving pictures:  where can I go when I want you around/but I can’t stand to be around you

parker lewis can’t lose (but i’m gonna give it my best shot): in the meantime just talking with my shoes/converse with my converse

tell that mick:  stop burning bridges and drive off of them

dead on arrival:  i know I’m not your favorite record/but the songs you grow to like never stick at first

grand theft autumn: you need him/i could be him

saturday:  and i read about the afterlife/but I never really lived

homesick at space camp:  landing on a runway in chicago and I’m grounding all my dreams/of ever really seeing california

sending postcards:  when you go i will forget everything about you

chicago is so two years ago*:  she took me down and said:/“boys like you are overrated. so save your breath."          bonus:  with every breath i wish your body will be broken again

the pros and cons of breathing:  i want to hate you half as much as i hate myself

grenade jumper:  living like life’s going out of style.

reinventing the wheel:  i can’t wake up to these reminders of who i am:/a failure at everything… 18 going on extinct.

patron saint*:  and when it all goes to hell/and when it all goes.

my heart is the worst kind of weapon:  we are salt - you are the wound

it’s not a side effect:  and think of all the places/where you’ve been lost/and then found…out/in between my sheets/in between the rights and the wrongs

our lawyer:  we’re only good cause you can have almost famous friends

gin joints:  i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now i only waste it dreaming of you)

dance, dance: joe trohman is lame

sugar:  isn’t it messed up how i’m just dying to be him?

nobody puts baby in the corner: you look so good in blue

dark alley: joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends”

atavan halen:  i’ll be stuck fixated on one star/when the world is crashing down

sophomore slump*:  cause i swear i’d burn this city down to show you the light

champagne:  they say, “you want a war? you’ve got a war.”/but who are you fighting for?

i slept with:  douse yourself in cheap perfume it’s/so fitting, so fitting of the way you are

sixteen candles*:  she said, she said, she said, “why don’t you just drop dead?"       bonus:  so say what are you waiting for?/kiss her, kiss her

get busy*:  i used to obsess over living,/now I only obsess over you

XO:  to the "love”, i left my conscience pressed/between the pages of the bible in the drawer

snitches and walkers:  show me a starry-eyed kid/i will break his jaw

the music or the misery*:  it’s true romance is dead, i shot it in the chest then in the head.      bonus:   and if you wanna go down in history then i’m your prince      bonus bonus:  i went to sleep a poet, and i woke up a fraud

thriller:  i can take your problems away with a nod and a wave/of my hand, ‘cause that’s just the kind of boy that i am

take over, breaks over:  don’t pretend you ever forgot about me.

arms race:  i wrote the gospel on giving up/(you look pretty sinking)

me & you:  the best way/to make it through/with hearts and wrists intact/is to realize/two out of three ain’t bad/ain’t bad

hum hallelujah*:  i thought I loved you/it was just how you looked in the light.

golden:  and i knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me

thnks fr th mmrs:  get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes

don’t you know:  i could learn to pity fools as I’m the worst of all/and i can’t stop feeling sorry for myself

the after life of the party:  put love on hold,/young hollywood is on the other line

tunnel of love:  got postcards from my former selves saying: “how’ve you been?”

doldrums:  you’re wrong/are we all wrong?

fame > infamy:  “there’s too much green to feel blue”

you’re crashing*:  the headline reads “the man hangs”, but the jury doesn't                bonus:  baby boy can’t lift his headache head

ringing in my ears: new york eyes, chicago thighs

ginasfs:  threw caution to the wind,/but i’ve got a lousy arm

hard to say:  but don’t get the wrong idea/we’re gonna shoot you

lullabye:  when you wake up the world will come around

disloyal order*:  what a match, i’m half doomed and you’re semi-sweet        bonus: boycott love/ detox just to retox 

i don’t care:  say my name and his in the same breath/i dare you to say they taste the same

winona:  bop bop ba dop

america’s suitehearts: why won’t the world revolve around me?

headfirst slide:  i don’t just want to be a footnote in someone else’s happiness

(shipped) gold standard:  plant palm trees on lake michigan before it gets cold/i gotta feel the wind chill again before i get old

(coffee’s for closers)*: i will never believe in anything again/though change will come

donnie: i’m the one/who charmed the one/who gave up on you

27:  you’re a bottled star/the planets align/you’re just like mars/you shine in the sky

tiffany blews: dear gravity, you held me down in this starless city

wams*:  what makes you so special?/i’m gonna leave you/i’m gonna teach you/how we’re all alone

nosebleed:  goes to the desert the same war his dad rehearsed/came back with flags on coffins and said,/”we won, oh we won.“

west coast smoker:  got my degree in the gutter,/my heart broken in the dorms of the ivy league

pavlove:  i want to make you as lonely as me/so you can get, get addicted to this

the phoenix:  wearing our vintage misery/no, i think it looked a little better on me

light em up:  a constellation of tears on your lashes/burn everything you love, then burn the ashes

alone together:  but i don’t think i’m coming home and i said/i’ll check in tomorrow if i don’t wake up dead

where did the party go:  my old aches become new again/my old friends become exes again

just one yesterday:  letting people down is my thing, baby/find yourself a new gig/this town ain’t big enough for two of us

the mighty fall:  two’s a whole lot lonelier than one

miss missing you*:  baby, you were my picket fence           bonus:  i will sing to you every day/if it will take away the pain

death valley:  undress to impress/you can wear the crown but you’re no princess 

young volcanoes:  come on make it easy/say i never mattered  (basic ik)

rat a tat*:  i’m the lonelier version of you/i just don’t know where it went wrong \

srar:  how’d it get to be only me?/like i’m the last damn kid still kicking/that still believes 

the king is dead:  the may never think and wonder why, dear christ/every time i see you i just want to paint the walls white

art of keeping up disappearances: erase the conclusion/but never meant to clear up/any of the confusion

hot to the touch:  if it’s never been broken/can’t believe in it/now you’re just a problem/for someone else to fix

love, sex, death:  but out of every pretty pretty miscalculation/you have got to be my all-time favorite

eternal summer:  i can’t do this again/i need more oxygen

demigods:  what if we were demigods?/they’d take to our knees/raging at the half of our sins

american made:  when i was younger i couldn’t wait for the days to pass/now i know they’ll never last/and i just want my childhood back

caffeine cold:  don’t breathe life into a monster then/complain when he destroys it all again

irresistible:  too many war wounds and not enough wars/too few rounds in the ring and not enough settled scores/too many sharks, not enough blood in the waves

ab/ap:  i think i. i fell in love again/maybe i just took too much cough medicine

centuries: heavy metal broke my heart       bonus: we are the poisoned youth

the kids aren’t alright*:  and i still feel that rush in my veins./it twists my head just a bit too thin./all those people in those old photographs I’ve seen are dead.

uma thurman: the end of the fucking song

jet pack blues*:  did you ever love her? do you know?/or did you never want to be alone?

novocaine:  if you knew, knew what the bluebirds sang at you,/you would never sing along

4th of july:  you are my favorite "what if”/you are my best “I’ll never know”

favorite record:  and i confessed, confessed to you/riding shotgun underneath the purple skies

immortals:  i try to picture me without you but i can’t

hotel in nyc:  a birth and a death on the same day/and honey I only appeared so i can fade away/i wanna throw my hands in the air and scream/and i could just die laughing on your spiral of shame

young and menace?? champion?? i’m sorry who?? what?? huh???

hold me tight or don’t:  i got too high again/when i realized i can’t not be with you/or be just your friend/i love you to death but i just can’t/i just can’t pretend/we were lovers first/confidants but never friends/were we ever friends?

the last of the real ones:  'cause you’re the last of a dying breed/write our names in the wet concrete

7-9 legendary:  i want to choke (u)/and get sick off of you/like secondhand smoke

alpha dog:  i want to put the midwest home again

austin we have a problem:  i gave you pretentious./i gave you indifference, but you only wanted undressed and defenseless.           bonus: hey! everyone’s an underdog.

catch me if you can:  oh dear lord,/please let me into heaven, for just an afternoon.

from now on we are enemies:  a composer but never composed/singing the symphonies of the overdosed

guilty as charged:  i got greater expectations than oliver twist

hand of god*:  it’s not gossip if it’s the truth/i’m sick of always writing songs for you to slit your wrists to

lake effect kid*:  i’ve got the skyline in my veins/forget your night times/summer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel/and joke us, joke us/till lakeshore drive comes back into focus

mskwyditd (demo)*:  we sold our souls in dark hotel rooms/we slip tongues and lie like “i will see you soon”

star 67:  maybe we could talk this over/but i swear to god/and i’ll have this phone to my head.

we don’t take hits, we write them:  and my life is holding our heads to this gun/you and your new boy think you can come in and keep me off, but you’re wrong

yule shoot your eye out:  and all i want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me/before you bury yourself alive